Is that all there is for too many of us folks who have made it thus far into our 80th decade? Isolation? Boredom? Loneliness? Disconnect? Physical failures? And with no energy or opportunity to “have a ball”?
While the hours seem to drag on, the weeks seem to go by quickly. There are many hours when I sit in my recliner and let my mind go blank. I think about nothing, feel nothing. I am suspended in time and nothing matters. It is my ultimate respite.
I do perk up when I sit down to watch The View. I record it and and watch it while I eat lunch. The kind of women who animate The View are the kind of women who were a part of my close group of women friends when I lived in Albany (before I retired to take care of my mother who had severe dementia). Politically liberal, irreverent, savvy, and funny, we never ran out of things to talk about or experiences to share.
That is what I miss most. That connection to kindred spirits.
Over the years, I had tried, unsuccessfully to get one one of the local Senior Centers to start a women’s discussion group of some kind, in hopes of meeting new friends. It’s taken a while, but my local Center is planning to start what they are calling a “Gals Gossip Group,” and they are looking for someone to volunteer to facilitate it. I volunteered.
Of course, I probably won’t be able to drive for a while, and I might have to still use the walker, but the Center is only 5 minutes from the house, and my daughter said that she would drive me.
The other kind of discussion group I suggested (but was met with discomfort and rejection) what is called a “Death Cafe”.
At a Death Cafe people, often strangers, gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death. Our objective is ‘to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives’. A Death Cafe is a group directed discussion of death with no agenda, objectives or themes. It is a discussion group rather than a grief support or counselling session.
The linked video about gives you an idea about why folks want to talk about death.
So, because I am still alive and kicking (well not kicking with the broken ankle), I am waiting for the delivery of a pair of shoes that I hope will accommodate the ankle brace I’m going to have to wear for a while when I get rid of the uncomfortable boot.
Meanwhile, anyone have any idea how I can have a ball? Or is that all there is?
Now that I am old enough to have friends in their 80’s I am fortunate enough to be getting a healthy perspective. Of course, these people are on the early end…although there are a few 90’s in there too. We have 80+ at our garden weeding and packaging food for the food pantry. 80’s learning to draw, paint, weave. 80’s learning Chinese. A book club was honored to have someone in her 90’s who provided a powerful power point (pun intended) on a book that she had recommended. (I was completely stunned!) Having just had knee surgery I do understand the limits of not being able to get around. Tapestry and reading and looking at the snow (winter is a good time for knee surgery as we are not going anywhere anyway!).
I feel the angst you are sharing. Cloistering is NOT your thing! You are NOT your demented mom, that is for sure! Your writing group was a powerful use of your talent and energy. You still have that talent and energy…just no where to go.
Yup. I have nowhere to put my energies right now. Back pain and bad knees kept me from continuing to go to my African drumming group, and some other activities that require some physical stamina are not open to me either. But there’s a dance in the old dame yet.
The “Death Cafe” idea seems a bit grim. But the idea behind it is sound. Check online if there are any senior meet-up groups that hold regular meetings at restaurants or other venues in your area. If not, start one. The disconnect with society is the worst part of the “old and sick” phase.
One of the advantages of living in an assisted living facility is, you are never alone and there is always someone to talk to. They even have a “Talk Therapy” person that will spend a hour a week just chatting about anything.
When I first hear of the Death Cafe, I tried to see if I might be able to start one. No luck and it’s still the same. As far as assisted living facilities, there are many advantages, and having folks around you is a real advantage.
Oh Elaine, I know what you mean about the feeling of loneliness, etc. As I read your post, I thought I was dreaming, I feel the same way even though Dick is still with me. Dementia is a horrible illness. He doesn’t talk much, so there isn’t any conversation. He won’t go out and take a walk even in the driveway. I don’t go knitting anymore, so I don’t see my friends when we got together every week.
I no longer drive so that would be difficult anyway. Hope you find some value inthe senior center. B
Not an in-person thing, but you COULD email me and I would email you back. Often!
Well, let’s do that.
I do have friends in their 80s. Two are former teachers with whom I worked for many years. I started a group, Ladies Who Lunch, when I retired from teaching, with other retired teachers who never had time for a leisurely lunch. Now we take all afternoon. We have a lot in common but we are also very different. If you can find a couple of people who want to get together, others will hear and want to join, or that’s what we have found. A couple of other groups have started because we are too large to add any more to Ladies Who Lunch.
My other 80+ friends are at church and I see them on a fairly regular basis. We don’t DO anything but we chat on Sunday mornings. They are pretty much like you, unable to go and do a whole lot. We laugh a lot on Sunday mornings. Good medicine for the soul. Oh, and there are a few 80+ men in that group.