My last post appeared here exactly one month and one day a year ago. The poem I wrote on that day pretty much describes what this past year has been like, filled with dental difficulties, lower back and joint pain, worsening my of hiatal hernia and GERD, and struggling with such existential issues as what the hell is the point of my being here at all at age 86.
Complicating my struggles even further is the fact that I fractured my right ankle badly four months ago, resulting in three separate surgeries and bouts in and out of rehab.
Currently, I am wearing one of those Star Wars-looking orthopedic boots on my right leg and a lift contraption on my right shoe to level out the length of my legs to enable walking. Yeah, right. It’s like trying to walk with a shoe box on each foot. So I have to use a walker to keep upright.
I have spent the past four months pretty much homebound with my foot elevated and my daughter taking on the exhausting role of caregiver — giving me my meals, my meds, and whatever access to the outside world that I need to have, including trips to the doctors and careful forays onto the deck in the backyard (weather permitting).
I can’t help looking at this as the beginning of the end, because from now on, it’s only going to be one thing after the other, as my assorted healers keep track of my chronic kidney disease, the damage to my digestive system, and the need for pain management of my back and knee.
In the past, I never thought about how long I might live, since my life was always filled with distractions from hard realities — fun hobbies, good friends, and variety of other interests. Now I often think about dying — when, how, why — and whether I’ll ever again have a compelling reason to keep the end at bay.
Right now, it’s like I barely exist on any kind of meaningful level.
Back in the old Blogger days, many of those folks made the point that blogging was a way to write themselves into existence.
So here I am, again, attempting to write myself back into existence, trying to find a point to it all, after all. Hoping to find a desire for desire.
It’s never the end until you decide. What do you still want to accomplish and leave for your family and friends? Sounds like it’s gotten hard to get some of those accomplishments done. Health and attitude make a world of difference. Wishing you all the best and wellness in tge future.
Well, there really isn’t anything I still want/need to accomplish and leave for family and friends. Except I wish I had lots of money to leave them, but I don’t. I’m doing the best I can with my health; attitude comes and goes. Thanks for your good wishes. I sure could use them.
Wishing you well, Elaine. Your big heart and big imagination always made a big impressio on me. Maybe they just need to get rested up a little before they get back to giving you things to look forward to in the morning when you wake up. My mom subscribed to crossword magazines. She also had a boxed set of the Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth, she watched one of its six tapes every single day. When I visited her, she would say, “Which one shall we watch today?” I loved all of them except for one, I forget which, that had too much of Mr. Wickham. Hugs and best wishes!
Thanks for you good wishes. I try to keep busy playing word games online with a couple of former colleagues, and I play games on my tablet as well. Watch lots of streaming movies. What I miss is the company of peers. It’s hard at my age to find ways of meeting possible kindred spirits, even though I have tried the Senior Center route. I don’t know where my blog is going, but at least writing makes me use my brain. Hope you are well. Are you online anywhere?
I’m right behind you. No fractures at the moment, but pretty comparable otherwise. I live alone, can do very light things around the house, just got a rollator when I rarely go out for pcp or other med visits. I have a home nurse 1x/wk, home pt 2x/wk, and a housecleaner 1x/wk. I know it won’t be long before I’ll need more help. Lately I’ve been dealing with the end of life as well, and am distracting myself by sharing a Substack with another writer friend who is aging as we are. We concentrate on planning a new/old system when this one collapses, mostly updating community “back to the earth” wisdom, which is about all I can handle anymore. There’s no end of great writing there, no ads, the journalists who walked away or were fired from media have moved over, and I’m finding more and more elders who are facing the same issues. Regardless, I hear you, and hope you keep on writing as you can manage.
I joined Substack but haven’t really used it. I’ll have to go in and check it out. Since I live with my family, it’s easier for me than for you who are living alone, but I still feel isolated from my peers. I try to take it one day at a time and look for ways to reach out. My one friend is is worse shape than I am and can’t drive anymore. All we can do is talk on the phone.
I know. It sucks.
I’m not going to give you any pep talk telling you that things will get better or the old “That’s life” cliche. The only thing I can tell you is to find something that gives you joy. Stay connected with friends and keep up with the world around you. Isolation is the real road to the end.
I believe that you are right on the money in terms of isolation and loneliness. Even though I live with my family, I miss having a circle of women friends. And it’s very hard to meet kindred spirits at my age.
I am only 81, but I sympathize, My left knee has gone arthritic, so I can’t teach yoga anymore. This feels like retirement, without the announcement, without the party, without the good wishes and kisses!
I have managed to fool myself into relative youth up to now, but I have to give that up too!
Getting older is defiantly a big pain in the neck, though most have a lower opinion, lol.I feel your pain and frustration. We are all navigating these uncharted seas. It is hard to receive help when we want to remain independent. I still see that core of the talented writer. I say put your anger, frustration and whatever you’re feeling into a book. A murder mystery perhaps . I enjoyed our writing group so much. You all were my teachers. I would love to read what you write in characters reflecting your life right now! Peace and gratitude Elaine, Louise White , East Longmeadow writing group