There is much I need to document here about what is going on with the Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome that is wrecking my life, physically and psychologically. No one has helped me find a fix, but I am still working on it. I will get to that at some point.
What is making it all bearable (as a result of a very recent synchronicity) is a man I met unexpectedly because of some kind of glitch with match.com. Both of us had been members in the past but are no longer.
Out of boredom and curiosity, I recently joined Zoosk, which is a dating app (I didn’t want to date; just wanted to see what is out there) for educated elders. It must be associated somehow with match.com, because I got an email from match.com telling me that they have a match for me in Longmeadow, which is the next town. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the link. Unbeknownst to me, the link took me to a different profile — one that caught my interest because he plays the djembe and is a Buddhist. So, for the hell of it, I sent him a brief reply, saying I also play the djembe.
Since he is no longer on match.com, he was surprised that his profile was still out there. Being tech savvy, he somehow managed to find out who I am. (I never use my regular email or name for stuff like that.) He sent an email to my regular email address and used my actual name. He said he wanted to check and see if it is really me or someone trying to mess with him. He gave me his name and a copy of a document to prove he is who he says he is. Of course, I Googled him and found him on FaceBook and Linkedin.
Many emails later, discovering that we were born a day apart (same year) and have so much in common it’s spooky, we decided to meet face-to-face, which we did yesterday. He lives an hour away, not in the next town.
At 82, we both have been presented with a chance to find some kind of intimacy again, a chance to have a best friend as a partner and to share the good things that we are still capable of sharing.
It continues to be mystical and magical and it all takes my mind off my troubles, which of late have included two ambulance rides to the ER with unstoppable blood rushing from my nose and a blood pressure so high it didn’t register. Sleep deprivation wreaks havoc on the body’s functions. I am working on getting my blood pressure under control.
At the age of 82, we both have our health issues and complicated histories. But we are Pisces. We are Water. We Flow.
Once I was a prolific blogger. Once I was part of a larger blogging community. But that was almost 20 years ago.
The onslaught of social media drove personal blogging out into the internet hinterlands. But, as folks get fed up with the advertising and limited opportunity for actual communication on platforms like Twitter and FB, there is a growing interest in resuscitating old blogs and setting up new ones.
I originally got into blogging through the example set my my son, who is inspiring me, again. I haven’t written anything in over a year (including poetry), so I’m hoping this current effort will get me inspired.
Meanwhile, I continue to slog through the the depressing overtone of our times, hoping for impeachment, hoping my adult son, diagnosed with autism three years ago, will be able to find the help and support he needs from “the system.” Writing helps both of us deal with the struggles of our lives.
You would think that by now, by age almost 80, I would have figured out what I want to be when I grow up. Or, rather, what it is I want to do with my remaining years. I wish I could still dance, but both knees are badly arthritic. I wish a had a group of women friends (like I used to in Albany) to hang out and laugh with, but I haven’t been very successful in meeting more than one such person since I moved here a decade ago.
I don’t think anyone realizes how much life changes when you get to be my age and you can’t physically do the things you love without dealing with the resulting pain as well. I kind of opt for avoiding as much pain as I can. And I wish I could find some new, painless ways to have fun.
I think that for elders who are wealthy, options for having fun are various and many. They can travel first class; they can hire caterers to throw great parties where they can meet interesting new people; they can get massages every day to help ease their aches and pains; they can eat at gourmet restaurants and can socialize at the best night spots. It also helps if you have a partner, but there are a lot of women (many more than men) left alone to figure out the rest of their lives after their partners die.
Of course, we are stuck in a time in which it is certainly NOT fun for 98% of us middle class folks, as we wait for someone to end this governmental travesty.
There certainly is a lot I think about that I’d like to write about: toxic masculinity, toxic femininity, loneliness and aging, sacred psychology, technology, my newly-leased orange Honda Fit (photo to come).
Every post below this is from earlier incarnations of Kalilily Time. There’s good stuff here, and I don’t want it all to disappear. But times are changing. I haven’t blogged in a a year. It’s time. It’s the times.
As I was strolling around my peaceful and gun-free, politically Republican neighborhood just now, I had this epiphany. Well, really, Freud had it before me, but sometimes a cigar IS more than just a cigar.
Posts on FB made me contemplate how I feel about guns – and penises. Because I don’t dislike either, and believe that each has a legitimate place in life. While I don’t want or own a gun, that has not been the case in my past life as far as penises go. But I really wouldn’t want to walk around the street seeing either of them hanging out of insecure men’s pants.
Guns and penises. Think about it (and I’m sure many psychologists continue to do so). Just the word “cock” brings up images of both artifacts. And you can use either to “shoot your wad.” Each can be used for violence, and it is usually men who use both for both.
They are both useful, in their place. And both can be dangerous in the wrong hands. (ahem)
I’m sure you’ll correct me if I’m wrong, but as far as my research shows, all of the mass shootings and bombings in America have been perpetrated by men. (I think they were all white men, but that’s not the point here).
Penises and guns. I’d bet my bippy that men who are out-of-control gun fanatics also have some sort of issue about their penises. If you can’t shoot one as well or as often as you want to, how about shooting off the other. If you can’t display your penis in public because it’s illegal, then display your gun, right?
Oh, yes. Guns are fun to shoot. So is sex. But there is a time and a place.
I think it’s interesting that gun fanatics say “I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands.” I bet that they feel the same way about their penises.
Yes, there are plenty of women who like to shoot guns too. There is sense of power (I am told) in shooting off an automatic weapon. I understand needing to feel some kind of power in a culture that has made so many of us, men and women, feel impotent. Power and impotence. Guns and penises.
I have a 15 year old grandson, who plays Grand Theft Auto. I also have a daughter and son-in-law who continually have conversations with him about the the issue of guns and violence, and long ago taught him the difference between fantasy and reality. Actually, the three of them sometimes game together. But it’s their thing, not mine; I play Candy Crush Saga.
Guns and penises. I think there needs to be a whole lot more research into how their essences overlap.
Now, you might bring up the issue of breast feeding in public as some sort of parallel to guns and penises. I have my own middle-of-the-road feelings about that, too.
Let’s see, now. Over the past several months:
— went through intense training to be a hospice volunteer
— help to plan, implement, and enjoy my 50th college class reunion weekend
— set up and kept up a blog for my college graduating class
That’s where my time went. Now it’s time to start posting again — thinking and writing and posting. But first I need to get some sleep. Like Scarlett, I’ll think about that tomorrow.