it’s got to be the full moon

I know that the full moon officially was yesterday, but the lunacy caught up with us today.
I’ve had a headache all day that nothing would ease. Of course, my mom was in constant meltdown today, making my headache almost unbearable.
And then the hot water pipes in the basement sprung a leak after I took a shower this evening.
At this moment, I don’t care if the whole blasted house and everyone in it springs a leak. I’m going to Albany tomorrow because if I don’t get out of here for at least 24 hours, I’m going to have a meltdown to end all meltdowns.
I’ve about reached the end of my patience and compassion. So, even when, in a semi-lucid moment she said “Don’t throw me away,” I barely felt a heart tug.
What about the years of my life that I’m “throwing” away — years I’ll never get back. Her life is hardly a life at all. And mine is wasting away.

9 thoughts on “it’s got to be the full moon

  1. I am glad you are taking a break~
    no one will give you one , you have to take it.

    somehow you have to find an escape say maybe 2 or 3 days aweek.
    i know you are saying it is impossible
    but it is not~
    you are right about your life it is passing by….
    you are doing all the right things for your mother
    but NO ONE wants you to be a martyr, especially your mother.

    as a former caregiver sandwiched in between my grandfather and my young children i felt so overwhelmed, especially the last year of his life.
    it was the hardest time ever, we fought, we cried, but some how we made it through. When he died in hospice with my mother and aunt beside him, i felt no remorse or shame that i was not there at that moment, I had kept him at home as long as i could. We had 10 years together, 8 really good ones, one difficult and one year of hell.
    It sounds so simple, even pithy, but i find great strength and pride that i did make his life better, and when he was near the end i let him go, knowing i had done everything i could. You will get your life back,learning to live with your decision is the most difficult part…cut yourself some slack, you are a really good person and you are doing everything you can.

  2. Hrm…what’s sad about all this is that she isn’t doing it on purpose. She isn’t behaving this way just to annoy you, or because she’s self-centered or some other negative trait. It’s totall out of her control, she’s terrified most of the time — and yet you feel only anger because you are spent. It’s sad all the way around. What’s most distressing is that it still cannot be agreed upon to do what is really best for her — meds, medial assitance, something that would make her less terrified as her life winds down. Something that would ease her suffering, which would in turn take the stress off you.
    I get why you feel as you do (it can be much the same with a child who incessently cries. They aren’t doing it to annoy you, but it can try your patience). But I am also so terribly sad for her. For her fear. Her pain. That constant monster at her side that she cannot explain and keeps her in constant terror.

  3. I want you both to know how much I appreciate your comments.

    Yesterday was just a really bad day. I am leaving in a few minutes to have a whole day away from here. My brother patched up the pipes, and the water should be working later today. I’m leaving them a couple of gallons of bottled water.

    I’m sure I’ll feel less agitated when I get back from hanging around with my women friends for a day and a half.

    thanks, again.

  4. WILL TRY THIS AGAIN because I fupped. Elaine, having known you through early teens…i so agree with the previous entry. Your mother is not intentionally “doing this to you.” You have had a wonderful life with two loving parents to launch you off. Now it is somewhat of a payback: you are unfortunately (or fortunately as some would think) the caretaker for your mother at the end of her life. You may very well be in the same position some day. Hopefully, you will learn “lessons” by being the caretaker. It is very tasking; totally consuming; etc. She is not behaving or doing things to intentionally harm you. Sadly, she has become old & obsolete & you are her caretaker. It is very draining, as many of us know from experience. However, many of us have not had the good fortune to have had the wonderful & postive start to life that you had. Rather than focusing on what is happening now & the negatives; think back to your own life & what you were given by two wonderful parents & why you are exactly what you have become…due to their nourishment, support, and forgiving natures. I think you have something to be very proud of & hope that when the times comes (if you have the misfortune or fortune to live as long)you will receive the same amount of love & care you show to your mother. Music, friends, candles, nature…all hold the answer to dealing with “tough times.” You’re not the only one in the universe to experince these.

  5. Yes, Regina is someone I went through grade school and high school with. I’m sure she never realized that I didn’t have a good relationship with my mother after I stopped allowing her to treat me like her appendage. My family of origin has no idea what “boundaries” mean, and they still don’t.

    So, my taking care of my mother is not payback for any nurturing she did for me (aside from those early years). And, so, if I kvetch about my situation, which is exacerbated by a controlling and self-centered brother (who is supposed to share her caregiving but really doesn’t) who is always on my case for one thing or another, please forgive me. I’m only human.

  6. I shuddered at the words “old and obsolete.” Your Mother is very sick and terrified, and in some ways herself, as your have described from earlier days.
    Give her what you can. Don’t give her what your can’t; which is your health and beautiful spirit. I send you the hope for peace and freedom from guilt. Judith

  7. I appreciate Judith shuddering at the words, “old and obsolete.” Old is defined as “far advanced in years.” Obsolete as “no longer in use.” Both words describe Elaine’s mother & some day may describe each of us. None of us wants to become dependent on anyone…whether it be family or friends. None of us wants to be unable to take care of ourselves. That truly is the nightmare of all nightmares. And in giving whatever it is we can give to those dependent on us, despite any negative experiences we may have had with them, simply because they are our parents/children/grandchildren…that is precisely what makes us mature, intelligent, accepting, forgiving & compassionate special people. There are rewards to letting past issues “rest.” The past can’t be changed. Even at the lowest times in caring for a parent for whom you absolutely know your love & care aren’t deserved, you are the one who benefits & learns from the experience. I say that with love & the wish that my own lessons in life will help someone else.

  8. Seems I was misunderstoood. I find the pairing of old and obsolete offensive and protest it being applied to anyone. Even in our darkest most confused moments our life has meaning to ourselves and to others and so we never become obsolete. I am also uncomfortable with generalizations about our fears and obligations.

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