The lure of the smart, seductive sociopath.

For the first time in her life, a woman I know is seeing a therapist. This is a woman who, sans therapy, survived living in foster homes as a child, her husband’s premature death, her own bout with cancer, and the fiery destruction of her home.
But the seductive sociopath broke her heart in enough pieces to require help putting it back together.
I think that the character Jack that Thomas Hayden Church plays in the movie Sideways has that conscienceless charm of the narcissistic sociopath.
It’s so easy for a woman to get obsessed over a sociopathic lover. He plays his part with infinite finesse and plays you even better. It’s like he’s born knowing exactly what to say and do to get you to painfully yearn for more.
At least I managed to get some decent poetry written as a result of my stint with one of those.
I think of my feisty and bright woman friend who had the recent misfortune to be hurt by a seductive sociopath. I know that she thinks she should have known better.
Uh uh.

44 thoughts on “The lure of the smart, seductive sociopath.

  1. You wrote “At least I managed to get some decent poetry written as a result of my stint with one of those.”
    Never having met that combination of people, I’m still stuck blogging Vogon poetry (e.g. saturday).
    Oh well, you can’t win ’em all.
    Stu

  2. i was married to a sociopath for many years I only recently discovered the heartbreaking and awful truth. But inspit of that I still find myself wanting to believe that there is a good and loving person there in him. But I know that there is only a black and bottomless pit void of emotiom. and it leaves my mind in a state of blankness on one hand these people are ill and on the other hand we are faced with living our lives with a group of monsters that only pray on the unsuspecting.
    please reply back to me and if you know of any support groups for victims of the sociopath please call me 478-274-0486 or send the info to my email.

  3. I have loved a sociopathic man for almost two years. I finally had to end it as his conscienceless womanizing (and telling me about it) had me in despair. I ended it a month ago and it is very difficult. I guess I am obsessed but I am determined!

  4. My heart is currently being broken by a sociopath. My boyfriend of two years just got put in jail. I have loved him with all my, giving him money, accepting countless collect calls, and vowing to stay with him through thick and thin. I even put up with him writing to ex girlfriends because I figure it must be bad enouh being i there and anything that helps break up the time is good. Last sunday he called me. He had just seen his mother and had a good visit with her I guess. She is a very codl weird woman. Anyway I could tell he was angry at m. I started asking him some questions, he hung up on me and has not called me since. I am so hurt you cannot imagine. How could he just throw me away after all that time after all the things he said. I’m so confused and hurt

  5. Yes, that all sounds familiar. The sociopaths in my life started in the adoptive home with my mother and older brother. Then, I have been in and out of relationships of all kinds with all shapes of sociopaths. The most damaging of which, happened to me two years ago. A man that came into my life shortly after I was beginning to get things back on track and presented the ideal image. As time progressed, I realized how much his front was crumbling and didn’t measure up to reality. He even had the balls to tell me, “I could be manipulating you and you wouldn’t even know it.” That was only one of many hurtful things spoken.
    He was in a successful local band (and worked two other jobs to survive), and had all kinds of exes calling all the time, as well as hopeful women talking about “phone dates” and the like. From the moment he laid eyes on me, it was nothing but lying, deceiving, cheating, and treating me like shit. But, he had such a good Jekyll show going, everyone thought I was completely crazy to even suggest there was an evil nature lurking underneath. Anyway, I eventually found out that he was chronically masterbating to child pornography and having sex with underage girls, so my mind went bonkers. I had no idea how to deal with it, and I’m sure I’m the only one that knew. He is such a social butterfly (but the relationships are all very shallow and with other unstable people) and can charm the pants off of any woman (which he does freely). I ended up moving out after about two years, and then he started in on my friends and family. He had the nerve to email my best friend of ten years and tell her that “it was all in my head”, and she believed him. So, I lost her friendship for attempting to get the truth out about him and how dangerous he was, as well as a number of others. I was 100% alone and he didn’t stop there. Every once in awhile, he’d have acquaintances of his come by and make rude remarks about the status of my mental health and I lost it. I got drunk one night, the night of his 35th birthday (while he was entertaining 4 different women), and deliberately smashed his car. Yes, it was juvenile, yes it was illegal and, yes, I stooped to his level, but man, it felt good until I was arrested. So, I’m still picking up the pieces from that one, and my record is tainted. However, I’m not the kind of person to let that make me give up, because then he really wins. Instead, I’m going to use it as fuel for my fire to make it, and prove that there is worth here in me, and I will be a fantastic psychologist someday!

  6. “black bottomless pit” I read that and thought to myself that is exactly what it’s like.
    I’m in the process of getting over my sociopathic ex. The things he has done to me (lies, abuse, disappearing, substance issues) ruined my life (at the time)and now I find myself starting completely over in every way.
    I was once a strong independent and fiesty woman. Now I feel weak, ashamed, and foolish (to say the least).
    I loved him like I never loved anyone and I was hurt like I’ven ever been hurt before. I just kept hoping for a better tomorrow but the tomorrows got worse despite the promises. He was calculating and manipulative. He made me feel like I walked on water yet took everything away from me.
    It’s a long recovery process recovery process. Sometimes I feel full of rage while at other times I find myself missing him and thinking that he was my soulmate.
    I guess I’m just lucky he didn’t actually kill me. There were many occasions that I thought he was going to. Of course during the low points of this painful process there was a small part of me that wish he had.

  7. U have to understand that we are dealing with a force bigger than any of us and this force cannot be beaten. I was involved with a sociopath for over 2.5 years, I felt the same way, that maybe he was my soulmate,or maybe it was true love? All those things. Now I think of all the women who sit back and think the same thing.
    He chased me for 7 years before I finally let him in….then it was like a whirl wind and he swept me off my feet. His friends and family claimed they have never seen him like this. I thought maybe this was what I have been waiting for.
    Just to get my heart broken in a million pieces. He still calls and tells me I’m the love of his life and he can’t live without me…blah, blah, blah…
    He paints these amazing pictures of what our future will be like. He is all talk, that is all he does is talk. He has such exagerated sexuality, I thought I would never find someone who brought such amazing chemistry….now after realizing what I am dealing with, I look at it like this; they cannot feel or love or truely be sad or even happy, they can however feel attraction and sexual excitment. So for a normal person we have many channels or outlets to express what we feel b/c we feel many things but what if all you felt is sexuality and that is all you truely could express. Of course, it would be exagerated.
    They are such foul human beings and they are capable of truely destroying peoples lives. Do not morn for your loss rejoice in the fact that you are free to live! U have allowed him to take pieces of you already don’t let him take all of you……he does not care he is on to the next victim, you can bet on that.
    Don’t waste a single second more.\
    Remember there are many of us going thru the same exact thing and feeling hopeless and struggling with why we still care and so on. So you are not alone. There is nothing u could have said or done that would or will ever change the situation. U deserve better, U must believe that.

  8. Are there ANY support groups for sociopath-surving partners/ex-partners??? Please, please respond if you are aware of any groups or resources besides private practice therapy. Thank you all.

  9. Ugh!
    It feels good to know that I am not the only one who is going through this by myself. I met my Sociopath randomly online. We clicked right away, he said all of the right things as most of them do. He is from another country, so after about month of him calling me several times a day, several e-mails and hours Iming, he flew 22 hours to meet me, how about that for flattery? He was EVERYTHING I wanted in a man, right down to his stupid NZ accent (I cringe whenever I hear one on TV now, literally makes me sick to my stomach!!!!)
    He made plans to visit again, telling me that he would do everything he could to make sure I didn’t forget him…Then one day, he turned, told me that he had been in a relationship with someone for years, that I was just fun. Mind you this was all through IM. He called me weak and stupid, and had the nerve to ask me if we could continue, oh, and he also spent the conversation telling me how I could never be as perfect as his GF and that she was his soul mate. I felt so stupid, betrayed, humilated, espeically when he told me that at that moment he was IMing 2 other unsuspecting women, luring them in.
    This was over 2 weeks ago. I hate him yet still love him, well maybe not him, more of the fake him. I cut off all contact got rid of everything, pics, letters, emails voice mails everything and feel depressed, lost weight and cried through out the holidays.
    The kicker of all of this? When I woke up this morning and checked my email, there was a IM request from him to become a contact again, can we say CRAZY??? Of course I blocked him, but have been spending the day wondering what the hell he wanted. To try to manipulate me more? To tell me that he got married and rub it in?
    Whatever it is, I am not going to find out, him contacting me makes me feel like I have more control over the situation. Does that sound crazy?

  10. HELLO IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE…JUST HOW DOES ONE RECOVER FROM THE COMPLEX PYSCHIATRIC INJURY OF LIVING INTIMATELY WITH A SOCIOPATH? I NEED HELP. IT HURTS…TELL ME SOMETHING

  11. I’m wondering if all of you leaving comments here realize that this site is not a bulletin board. Rather, it’s a personal weblog, and if you scroll up to the top and click on the image of the mountains, you’ll get to my home page.
    There is only one way, as far as I know, to deal with psychological trauma, and that’s therapy.
    “Telling your story” is also therapeutic. Sheldon Kopp’s book “If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him” presents good examples of how that works.
    Any one of you can set up a weblog for free at http://www.blogger.com, where you can invite people to join and share stories. If enough of you are interested, I could set one up and moderate it and make it private so only those who join/register (it’s free) can read or write on it. It can be like a virtual support group — although there will be no “expert” who provides professional advice. Let me know.

  12. Hi Elaine of Kalilily! Love your website and your poetry. I don’t really know what a personal weblog is but I thought I’d send you these good thoughts for the day. You are a wonderful writer. I’m going to check out the weblog deal too. Take care and … keep writing! 🙂

  13. Hi,
    Where do I begin? First off , I am in the process of divorcing a sociopath. We have been married 21 years. I have known him for 25 years. I’m 46 years old so that’s more than half my life. i am a housewife and mother. There is life after a sociopath. My story is a horrifc and long one. I do understand and have felt all the feelings you have all felt. He is still managing to ruin my happiness, but not my life.
    I am and still are going to therapy for HIS problem. This is an on-going process and being the father of my two wonderful children, will never end. 12 years of every therapy, doctor and behavioral center in the Midwest area. Also my profounf faith has helped tremendously. Yes, my glorious sociopath admitted ME into a behavioral center. That’s were I woke up. They told me I was fine and didn’t need the center but he did. They finally convinced me that I was SANE, when he made me feel so insane. They said the only way to help my situation was leave him.
    This is the truth. You have to let go and believe in yourself and no matter how convincing he is, believe in yourself because HE’S the SICK one. He won’t go for help. If he does he won’t listen or take the sessions seriously because he believes he’s ok.
    Since this Kaliliy’s web-site I will hope my words helped. If I could help and share my stories I would love to.
    Get away from him!!!
    Peace and Tranquility
    Jeannie

  14. Yes, oh yes, there is life after such a relationship. Believe me, we are the fortunate ones who have a conscience, can love and have empathy.
    I too have been the victim of such a relationship, and in the end did not know what was real or true. He was such a Jekyll and Hyde personality. I always knew there was something that just did not make any sense with his behaviour, and tried to foolishly help and understand. Just what he was aiming for…after discovering many of infidelities and sick and tired of his bouts of anti social behaviour – I walked out, never to return.
    Have found therapy extremely useful and now happy to be consciously free of the pain and hurt he caused and I that I allowed.
    Can highly recommend – “The Sociopath Next Door” – by Martha Stout, PHD.
    To quote: “Sociopaths are people who have not developed an emotional sense or conscience. They experience emotions very differently from you and me, they do not experience love at all, or any other kind of positive attachment to their fellow human beings. This deficit reduces their life to an endless game of attempted domination over other people. There is no cure.”
    We on the other hand with some assistance in understanding ourselves and the behaviour patterns of a Sociopath can move on and continue to have meaningful and salifying relationship. We are the fortunate one in this regard.
    Great site, healing and helpful.

  15. In the Seventies I worked with the most evilest person I have ever known. She was a classical Sociopath to the extreme. I had to resign from my job, change my home telephone number, and eventually move in fear of her.
    She was able to manipulate and brainwash just about everybody. It seemed that I was the only one that she wasn’t able to control, originally. Then after 3 years of torture I finally circum to her evil spell. I then became one of her many agents doing her evil deeds. I hated myself for it, but at this point I had become insecure and vulnerable.
    The manager tried several time to fire her, but the controller was mesmerized by her and believed every lie she told. Then one day he told her that maybe he couldn’t fire her, but he could keep her out of the department. And he did. Two years later the controller found an excuse to fire the manager and did. She then rehired the Sociopath. I worked there for about eighteen more months and then left the company after my twentieth anniversary. That way I was bonded for twenty years of retirement.
    She could be very convincing and have crocodile tears roll down her checks on command. Actually, it took me a long time to realize that she actually believed the lies that she told. She was able to convince herself that she was justified in all of her misdeeds.
    There was no limit to her torture of the innocent. I truly believe that if she were a man, that she would most likely have been a serial rapist and killer.
    Now I can easily spot a sociopath and know how to deal or avoid them. I even live next door to one now. But none have ever been as bad as that Sociopath woman from the seventies.

  16. Kalilily, what a great name! I too got a lot of poetry out of five-year episodic relationship with a sociopath, but the quality of it went downhill as I did. After I finally booted him out of my life, and started on the two-year-long recovery that’s still going on today, the poetry began to got more brutally honest about what was going on with me. And less readable in public settings. The problem with recovery from a sociopath is that the victim sounds like the crazy person.
    I mean, how did we volunteer for this, over and over? Why didn’t we leave? Why would anyone live the the kind of pain these guys generate? It must be something wrong with us. And we know that’s true because we’ve been told what’s wrong with us, in vicious detail, during the whole nightmare.
    Well, recovery… several people asked about it. I can’t find a source of either online support or any kind of program. Individual therapy seems to be the only approach.
    When I got the monster out of my house, life, bank account, etc., I made up my mind to figure out what was wrong with me. Not all the things that he said were wrong with me, but what was wrong with me that I let this guy into my life. His history with women fell into two categories. Women who he left in emotional collapse, like me. And women who just got rid of him after a brief exposure.
    What was the difference between them and me? I’m an incest survivor. I know it’s affected me. I managed to live a reasonable life until he came along. But I figured that the incest had something to do with it.
    Two years into this process (the first year working on the feelings by myself, the second year with a therapist), and I’ve made a lot of progress. Always my goal was to get to my life back, and to make myself better than I was before I met him. Because if I’d been less dependent a personality, more self-protective, and less vulnerable to what other people thought of me (like him), I never would allowed him into my life or self-destructed because of him.
    Anyway that’s my theory, and it’s working pretty well. I can’t say I’m finished with the work, but it’s good work, and I’m taking my life back.
    Good luck to all of you. If these poeple wake us up to the need to protect and care for ourself, something good comes out of it.

  17. I too am rowing the same boat but now I am paddling upstream- recovering from the trauma of being with a sociopath, yet he wasn’t just a sociopath he was a celebral narcisstic sociopath. 100% out for him. The mask of deception, gas-lighting, blaming, manipulation, and intimidation were his means of survival at the expense of another persons life and innoncence.
    To help me see and regain and redevelop my sense of self, sinse I somehow lost sight of me. I attend counseling with a counselor who specializes and knows what a sociopath is and ways they victimize people and the trauma they leave behind. I feel it is vital to have a counselor who has studied and knows how to treat a client who has just survived a relationship being with a sociopathic person. It is not as easy as saying well he’s out of the picture now; the self-doubt, mind-games, victimizing, lies, gas-lighting, deciet, manipulations, abuse, and trauma one has been through… needs a counselor/pyschotherapist who will help a person find themselves again, piece back together thier life and self, and one who will uncover and discover what is lacking of oneself to allow these self-centered, self-obsessed, selfish sociopaths to sobatage our lives. Yes it is self-esteem and self-confindence that is lacking,(speaking on my own behalf), yet, (still talking about me) there seems to be a deeper rooted problem/issue that I haven’t dealth with that seems to misguide me and allows me to subject myself to individuals of this nature instead of what I should of done, (when, even prewarned of how he was) went in the other direction.
    In counseling I have come to discover that there was some unjustified shame and guilt that I seem/was holding on to that makes/made me believe that I am unloveable and don’t deserve honesty, respect, and love. I learned that I was punishing myself by hoping and praying he would change. When it was me who needed to change. Sociopaths do not change, there are many psychotherapists who won’t deal with a sociopath on a client level because one doesn’t know if the manipulative, disception mask is on or not. The sociopath is a chamelion able to change to whatever the situation calls for.
    Thank GOD I am (one day at a time) learning how to love myself and realize I’m not the crazy one I am a woman who was with a CRAZY ONE!!!
    I also wanted to state, and believe me, please trust, i found Al-anon (EVEN IF you’re sociopath did not have an addiction/alcohol issue. AL-ANON I highly recommend it after being with a sociopath will teach you (you don’t have to say you’re real reason you’re there- because of you’re sociopath) you’re there because someone has a problem (well mental condition) who has affected you’re life

  18. Hello I am Sherry Daniels. My 24 year old daughter Tiffany Gonzales is married to a smart, seductive sociopath named Chris Gonzales. Tiffany is sitting in prison downtown Dallas, Texas right now because of her sociopathic husband Chris. He seduced her into committing a felony crime of theft. She got probation and then he caused a fight and she hit him and then he called 911 and had her arrested for probation violation. He is very cunning and devious. She gets out June 9th, 2006 and is actually talking about going back to him. She has given him 4 sons and the second one Julion died by Chris’ criminal negligence. Chris was seducing 2 fifteen year old girls out at the swimming pool until 3am every morning and took a newborn baby out there in the night air. Julion died of pneumonia. He was 3 months old. Tiffany cried and said you killed Julion, Chris grabbed her by the hair and slapped her face as hard as he could. She needs to be deprogrammed from his brainwashing…he actually has her believing that she is worthless and she cannot get anyone else and she believes him because he has beaten her self esteem down to a pulp. We need to start a Support Prayer Group for Victims of Sociopathic People. Email me Shewmakem@aol.com

  19. I went out with a sociopath at the age of 14, we went out for 2 1/2 years..Until one day I told him all this stuff I thought about him( that included his socio pathic ways and behaviors)- a week later he had gotten with another girl, My heart was broken Literaly I wanted to die, It has been 10 months and yes I am still strugglying with having my thoughts scrammbled and played with. I new in my gut things weren’t right, but I managed to stay with this manipulative, crazy pathological lying piece of crap.
    the pain I was put through, has shocked people when I explain my stories of what occured in my unrealistic relationship
    I have hope in my head, that he comes back just because I still to this day, being 18 long for him. he treated me like pure crap and I bought in to it. His sister and friends warned me saying” get out while you can” but i was so young and am still so long, that his manupaltive ways would put me back where I was, sadly…with him. I am a very emotional girl, I desire love..and with this feeling it blindes you with every type of fabric you can think of..
    I try to look at the bad things, but my emotions speak out more..I am reading all these stories and I am sorry you guys have gone through it to…
    I am afraid my stupid self will by in to one of these guys again, you know reapeating history..
    I know the lesson from this, but I can’t seem to move on
    His new girl friend is crazy as well, but I’m sure he is having fun and controlling her
    and calling me from private calls only to fill my head with false hope
    I sometimes thought this guy got pleasure out of the pain he put me through

  20. This website is a place for healing. I had a short encounter with a sociopath. By the goodness of my heart I volunteered to help a nice looking young man to learn English. He had just arrived from South America. Within 2 weeks I was raped ( made it clear no sex without a condom ) he forced himself on me anyway. I forgave him believing it was cultural differences and language barrier. This guy was so slick. He was a charmer and said all the right things( I want to marry you I want you to have my baby, blah, blah , blah… But also made cutting remarks that I wanted to believe was the language barrier again. My gut told me he wasn’t right. I caught him in lie after lie. I was raped a 2nd time by him. Very violent, and very hummiliating as he just smiled. It put me in shock for about 4 weeks. But as a fool that I was I wanted to save him from a life of squalid conditions so I did not report him or deport him. I missed alot of work and now am being seen by a trauma therapist. Today I went to the Dr. to make sure I didn’t get any disease. It is going to take a very long time to put myself back together. I know in the long run I will be a wiser and stronger person.
    They have NO capacity to love or feel remorse for violating a person to the core of their heart. My heart feels for anyone who has had an experience with a sociopath. Not to wish this upon anyone, but this is the 1st place I have found with people who actually understand how profound and life changing experience being exposed to a sociopath is. Thank you for sharing everyone.

  21. Well ladies,
    I’m 34 and recently ended a 1 yr relationship w/a sociopath and he’s my 3rd. I got involved w/2 other sociopaths when I was a tennager and they both put me in the hospital. How on earth did I fall for one at my age…again? I’m really traumatized o/all of this. I’m extremely educated but fell prey to his seduction. He was so handsome, charming, attentive, and seductive. He gave me the attention I craved, spoiled me, did the most thoughtful things…all the time. As time went by, the mask started to come off and pieces of him were being revealed. Once he knew I was on to him and his string of affairs, he was gone…just like that.
    My heart was so broken. Still is. But it’s not him I love…it was the fantasy of finding the perfect man, which never existed. Like everyone else here, I’m having trouble moving on. You just get no closure to something like this. No answers. Because everything was a lie. I feel like a fool, for falling for it. And to top it all off, I met him thru another sociopath. An ex friend of mine. Once I discovered her lying, cheating, manipulative ways i got rid of her and she caused so much trouble for me. He and her set me up. I felt like a deer trapped w/a pack of wolves. They are both so twisted and disgusting. I’ll bet they had sexual encounters behind my back, laughing at me…thinking that I was such a stupid girl. He probably cheated on me the entire relationship. That’s what the sociopath does. They are sexual predators and they view everyone as prey. Hard to believe, someone I loved and trusted was a predator to me. That freaks me out.
    I am getting professional help. I don’t want to fall prey to anyone else ever again. I thought I’d share my story, so you don’t feel alone, because that’s what the other stories did for me. I really felt alone in this, but after reading from others, it helped me to know I am not alone in this. I want my life back and I hope to find TRUE LOVE!

  22. Thanks to everyone who shared their stories. I went online, broken hearted, and found myself googling “sociopath” and “charming” to see if anyone else could possibly be sharing this horrible feeling, and found this site. It was one of the first things that helped me stop hurting, and start seeing my way out of this, since the same thing happened to me earlier this summer. Like the rest of you, I had my heart shattered by someone who I thought was as in love with me as I was with him. Then, two months ago, I got very sick and for the first time in my life felt like I was going to die. When I left a message telling him how I was feeling, he responded with a mocking reply (promptly followed up by a statement of concern and caring after I said that I couldn’t handle being teased at that particular moment). When I explained a couple of days later that it hurt me that he initially found it funny that I was hurting and scared, he was gone. Not so much as one word since. I even left a message a couple of weeks later stupidly asking if he’d even just say goodbye, at least to have what I thought would be one iota of closure. But nothing.
    It’s been two months and this only seems to be getting harder. Every day I fight the urge to call him at work and demand to know how you just throw someone out like a piece of trash. How do you talk to someone every day for a year, and then not even be upset enough that it’s ending to call them one last time and respectfully explain that you don’t want to continue the relationship? The most frustrating part is that I know that if I call him, he’ll act like I’m the crazy, stalker ex-girlfriend who doesn’t get the point.
    What maybe makes my story unique is that he told me that he was a sociopath months before, disclosing it several times, saying that he simply didn’t experience guilt, and asked if that bothered me. It’s a true testament to some people’s ability to charm you and say just the right thing all the time to the point where you’re convinced that they’re your soulmate, that even this open statement of fact didn’t wake me up. He explained that his parents, even grandparents, were sociopaths and told me how they abused him terribly his whole childhood to the point where he got kicked in the face with a steel boot and had a nerve to his eye badly damaged, remaining so until he could afford to get surgery as an adult. Because he seemed so awake to what not physiologically having the capacity for guilt meant, talked about the different ways in which he learned to channel the anger left over from all of this, and geared his work (and I thought also his personal life) to doing well in the world regardless, I overlooked this “one tiny flaw”. His constant charming, calling, singing, poetry writing, saying we’d run away and live in Europe together etc., combined with the fact that all we ever seemed to do was laugh together and make each other happy, blinded me to the fact that perhaps his short-circuited emotional system also meant that he really didn’t have the capacity for real love, or for something beyond self-satisfied infatuation. I made him laugh, and I think that’s pretty much all it came down to for him. When I said something serious and unfunny after a year of bringing essentially no “relationship” bs talk to the situation – “I felt like I was dying – how could that make you laugh?” sadly immediately followed by an apology for even asking such a question – I was suddenly “insane”, too insane to ever call again. The worst part is that I never got to hear him even say it…just the bottomless void of no response. I tell myself sometimes that if I heard him being cold and nasty, it would help me let go. But I find myself constantly struggling, every day, against the feeling that *I* did something wrong, and that I’m the crazy one for not being able to retain some zen-like humorous detachment in the face of what to me felt like death, and the fact that I couldn’t take a “joke” at that point made me really someone that is worth cutting off completely and not even being worth said goodbye to. All we did was laugh and gently tease each other, so somehow I think he thinks that I betrayed this sense that life shouldn’t be taken too seriously by not letting something that hurt, in what I admitted was likely a sickness-induced irritability, stand unmentioned.
    Where do you go from here? I thought I had found “the one”, and lost interest in everyone else despite the fact that I’m young and attractive, and he’s older and lives in another city. Life seemed so full of possibility a year ago, when we met and almost immediately started talking every day.
    And now. How do you pick up your shattered trust in people, when this is so far outside the boundaries of how much you think it’s possible for one person to hurt another? At least if you argue with your significant other there’s the feeling of friction against someone who is real, with their own feelings and problems. But I feel like I’m in love with a ghost, teflon, someone for whom all of my deepest love didn’t seem to create a single thread of attachment. Like all he had to do was say to himself “Hmm…one discordant situation…I’m done with her”, and he never thought about me again.
    In any event. At this point my story is just a variation on the rest of the ones up here. Most of all, I find myself wondering how to let go of this idea that there’s good in everyone, that under all of the pain and callousness that I came to see in this man, there’s a truly good person, and that there will always be this incredibly unique, alive thing between us. How do you let go of such a big love, when it feels like the only one you were meant to find in this universe?

  23. Well, Charles, maybe you are on the level; maybe you’re not. I question the legitimacy of someone who places such a premium on EMPATHY but mispells the word. Several times. I’m not saying that there are not female sociopaths. But I am warning any women who read Charles’ comment and are attracted to his statement that he’s looking for his soul mate — beware. He might be trolling for just someone like you.
    And, Charles, if you’re on the level, good luck.

  24. I am almost totally convinced my boyfriend of 3 years is a sociopath or close to it. He fits every detail of every profile I have ever seen, except for one detail. He really does seem to love his kids. He’s certainly not the best parent I’ve ever met but he has joint custody and is very involved with them and openly loving to them. I so want to believe that he is the good decent guy he claims, but his ability to manipulate, dominate, and inflict pain is astonishing! I have confronted him about being a sociopath and he insists he feels remorse, but I just don’t see any evidence for it. I know he had a volatile divorce and was supposedly deeply damaged and so I have given him a LOT of leeway. He also claims to have been abused as a child. However, he insists that I terrorize him and that he is the one giving me leeway! He broke up (again) last week and I should be grateful, but he is so sexual and smart and funny and just plain intoxicating………..Now he is claiming that he loves me deeply and still wants to marry me but I am just too much of a psycho and he can’t take me back. I have always thought he was the over the edge of reality. What I want to know is – does his love for his kids vindicate him? Is he just troubled but not a sociopath?

  25. I’m pretty new to the realization that my husband is a sociopath. As I read all of this, and other sites, I am shaking, and sweating, and crying because it’s all sickeningly familiar. I especially identify w/the person who said they thought there were smart enough to have found true love after many failures. I’m 36, have 4 kids, college educated, served in the military. I survived being abandoned by my mother when I was an infant; physical abuse by my alcoholic father; and his eventual suicide. I’ve survived and thrived being a single parent for years……nothing in my life has ever left me feeling this “broken”.
    I don’t have to articulate what it feels like….you all have done it already. Even though you are a bunch of complete strangers – words on a screen – I feel somehow oddly relieved that i’m not the only one going through this (though I am heartsick for every person who’s had a reason to post here.) I wish I knew how to just sleep one night without waking up in a panicky, cold sweat. Has anyone had, or known someone who had – success with therapy for their sociopath?

  26. I’m sorry to all of you. I have just had my first experiance with a sociopath. luckily for me It’s been only 2 months. she is currently seeing at least three other men (one which workes at the same company)she is also married(her poor husband). unfortunatly I have to put her to work everyday. But, Im currently entertaining the idea of approching HR. I can hear the groans as this is being read! but im fortunate, I’ve always partnerd her with my good friend so if she claimes any wrong doing on my part, he would back me up. also I’ve kept my boss informed from the begining. There can be justice against sociopaths. wish me luck! and I wish the best to all of you.

  27. I too have had my life practically destoyed by a sociopath. I loved him so much. I never loved anyone like I loved him. He seemed so perfect. At first. He is a widower. He is good looking and charming. When we first became friends, he told me about how much he missed his late wife. Unfortunately for him, his wife had confided in friends that he was unfaithful to her the entire marriage. He was cruel to her. When I confronted him, he admitted that he was not the “perfect husband” but her death devasted him, and “he changed”. Later I found out that he had a secret illegitimate child with the mistress (his own two children ages 10 & 15 don’t even know about her – well, they do but think she and her mom are family friends). He promised me that they had no relationship any longer and that he visits the child only. He also works in a two person office with this woman! I am a very smart, educated woman. I was always independent. I believed every word he said. I even said, “your story is unbelievable but I believe you”. I think part of it was due to the fact that I’d get upset with him when she called, etc and he would get angry with me for not trusting him! Every argument was settled with me apologizing. He was such a sweet “Christian” man most times, and at other times he was hanging up on me. I was always the one to go back to him. When I did decide to leave, he always came back – charming his way into my life. I found out recently that he and this woman never broke up. He was with both of us, leading a double life. When I got angry with him and confronted him, he threw me down on the ground. I was in the hospital for 3 days with a broken wrist and needing surgery. I still wanted him back!! It was only after I found out that he was pursuing at least one other woman that I realized he was sick. I realized the whole year I was with him was just a sick game for him. He told me he loved me. He was the best lover I ever had (didn’t like sex before him). He told this third person the same story he initially gave me – his poor, grieving widower story. He told her how he missed his wife, felt like a deer in the headlights, etc. She bought it. I told her about him and me and about him and his mistress of 11 years. I hear they still talk. She seems still intrigued like I was. I hope she doesn’t have to learn the hard way. I have never gotten an answer as to “why”. I never got an apology. We go to court for his assault on me soon. He’ll probably get out of that too. I want to get rid of all feelings for him. I cry every day missing “him” – whoever that is. Will I ever get over this? How? I wish at times I could die. My faith in God is all that’s helping me through (and the friends that He put in my life).

  28. I ALSO was married to a sociopath from another country-for 6 years.
    First, To INDIGO, above.
    NO, loving his children does NOT mean he is not a sociopath, or that he could ever be normal. Many definitions of them say that the person is incredibly loyal to family, and obviously this does not extend to spouses, since we are not blood relatives. Mine adores his family, but still lies to his beloved mother and brother.
    To everyone:
    There are many good books on related subjects that have helped me over the past couple of years that it took for me to realize what I was up against. Since he has had several affairs, I started with Shirley Glass’ NOT Just Friends: RebuildingTrust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity.
    It is so tempting to waste your time trying to understand them!
    So then I got How to Spot a Dangeous Man and Understanding the Enneagram: the Practical Guide to Personality Types,” by Don Russo. The first book is great and the second is also good to understand that they are often the Type 8, when bad, exhibits sociopathic behavior.
    Go ahead and try to understand them, but try not to waste too much of your valuable time, and certainly don’t hope for change. I spent a lot of money on a wonderful cut-to-the-chase psychologist who said that my husband (soon to be EX) was hard-wired to deceive and that I should leave him.
    She didn’t use the word sociopath, but I was somewhat offended (this was a year ago, before other more recent and graver transgressions) that she would say something so final and harsh. Hah! I also thought that she couldn’t know my charming and sometimes sweet husband as well as I could, and that she wasn’t making allowances for the MANY cultural differences, He is from a culture where women are not valued very much and they can have four wives, but he can walk the walk and talk the talk like the best sensitive guy, with promises for fidelity and good behavior galore!
    Two other execellent books are “When Your Lover is a LIAR: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal” by Susan Forward, and “How Can I Forgive You?”
    Both books talk about when to LEAVE, and Forward’s has a whole chapter on Sociopaths, and she says This chapter is about the one kind of liar you must leave immediately. In fact it is probably the best among all the ones I read.
    I wasted so much time on this good-looking charmer who could not be faithful, who needed adulation from women constantly, who was a crummy lover (sociopaths often cannot sustain any feelilng of intimacy). Nobody has mentioned much about drinking, but I think my husband is also an alcoholic, which helped mask and distort the weird and hot/cold personality of the sociopath that I now understand him to be. Also don’t think that just because the guy doesn’t manifest all the conditions of sociopathy, that he isn’t one. They don’t have to have all the characteristics to be incapicating to their victims. There is also a great website about BULLIES,
    which are basically a form of sociopaths. It is bullyonline.org. about workplace bullies but the personality is there, spelled out really well.
    Best of luck to everyone. I don’t pray, I believe in action. DO SOMETHING to distract yourself from these horrible guys, volunteer somewhere, get out and walk the dog, whatever it takes to reallize that YOU are normal and you cannot waste another minute!!! Travel if you can, see the world for all its wonders. There are still many people who can use help, who are worse off than you are.

  29. I am responding to a young ladies comments and her name was Sophie.You are very smart not to contact this man again. She said that she met a man online from NZ and he claims to have flown all the way from there to meet her. If it is who I believe it is…he actually lives in Canada. He is a Maori from NZ and he is indeed married, however his wife has kicked him out as of 3 years ago because he had other women and tried to turn her world upside down as well.Abandoned her and her new baby to move in with a new blonde girl. He does alot of flying for his business and hooks up with women all over the world. I broke off a relationship with him months ago and all the while he was seeing someone else and she is quite affected by this relationship after 3 years with him as well. And he was seeing others too. He still won’t leave me alone and has literally tried to financially own every business that I deal with in my profession in attempt to control me. We met March of 2006 on his birthday. It has been a nightmare since but I no longer allow him to scare me and feel quite strong since I no longer react to his games. “Check mate” is one of his favorite sayings. He has a history of 4 wives, 9 children with 6 different women and does not understand human empathy. Simply the best sex I ever had and there were times I felt like he was the one for me and my soul mate until I realized he has no conscience. I hope I can get some contact with you online sometime Sophie because I honestly believe it is the same man.

  30. the only way to deal with a sociopath is to cut off contact.now, if you have to work with them, as i do, talk to then as if you are llabotimized…with no anger, very calm, emotionless. answer in “yes and no”. most sociopaths hate being ignored; mine has me waving and smiling at him at work under duress; if i don’t, he will continue to harass and threaten and yell at me at the workplace. so to placate him, i keep it up at a minimum.a small priice to pay for safety and my job.

    my socoipath is a psychology teacher..his students lovehim. he is the most popular teacher at the schol. his students make him life-aized cards and sign things in cards like “you are truly a great person” and:”you changed my life”.

    unlike many sociopaths, mine is not always charming..he can be very socially obnoxious, but tempers it wit flattery, sentimentalism, fake explanations and lies. he is also an environmental activisst, and hides behimd the good samartian disguise, saying he would give so and so his kidney if they needed it, etc.
    so i don’t feel like an idiot for not seeing his tru colours.
    i have a chronic injury, which he knew well of, and one day he took me in the wilderness and led me onto a trail where i was forced to do things i told him i couldn’t..wither that or get a helicpoter to get me back. the whole time he called me names and derided me, with a big smille on his face while i had a llook of terror. he didn’t evenn call later to check on me , though he knew i went to get medical help right after. this was after months of giving and giving to him, and accepting tactless comments. when i told him i wanted to end things, he turned it around and said i needed psychiatric help.

    because of him, i have been in some of the worst pain of my adult life. it is getting a lot better, but it is very traumatic to have to see him every day and be reminded of why i am in somuch pain. he says he feels guilty, but the abuse at the workplace since then proves otherwise.

    the person i thought was my best friend and who i thought i wanted to be with and who i thought was just socially awkward turned out to be a sociopath.

    if you see any signe, any at all, of someone being emotionally devoid, RUN RUN RUN!!! dont’ feel guilty..it isn’t worth the risk.

    time is the best healer, as well as individual counselling. the most important thing is to not blame yourself!

  31. there is a book about this called the sociopath next door and it probably mentions a support group but i don’t know for sure. I was infatuated with a sociopath for a few years but would never get too involved with him…i think the irony is that the bigger heart you have the harder it is for you to understand that some people just don’t care. let go of those few little signs that he cared and look at the bigger picture. it’s the hardest truth to face. there is a profile of what kind of woman is attracted to a sociopath when she knows deep down that something is wrong with him but she loves the challenge to see if she can understand or change him. some do it to punish themselves. i was so obsessed with understanding him, which, is impossible because i am a loving person.

  32. Its been a little over a year since my ex and I broke up, I didn,t realize until months after we had broke up that she is a sociopath. one day at a grocerie store I ran into her mother and I said to her ” I don,t know what else I could have done for her i just don,t know what to make of the whole situation”. Her mother then said to me that her daughter has been like this for quite some time all the lieing and cheating. apparently her mother and father had explained her behavier to a doctor and she told me that she suffers from a mental illness and probaly doesn,t even know that she does. my ex,s mother never told me what the illness was but I did some resarch and she had all of the symtoms of a sociopath I was blown away by the fact that i trusted this person and this person layed beside me almost everynight and meanwhile was living well more than a double life. deep down I knew she was lieing to me but like others I,d hoped I could win her over or change her thinking, but the lies just got worse and more worse I couldn,t take it no more. I,am now in a normal relationship but I can,t stop thinking about how I was treated by her it still blows my mind when I think back on it sometimes, but time is making me feel better about it and to just chalk it up to a bad experience.

  33. Hi my name is Kim. All weekend I have been researching the term Sociopath. Maybe trying to come to terms with how my heart is hurting right now.

    I met a man in June of 2005, we dated for a few months. This man was more to me than any man ever has been in my life. He did things for me, bought things for me, bought me cards, everything a woman could want. I had been married to an alcoholic, abusive man for many years and swore I would only be married twice in my life. In November of 2005, I found out by accident that he was still married to a woman in another state. I found a letter on his computer that he let me borrow…referencing his wife. Letter written in July of 2005. I started dating him in June. When I recovered from the shock the following day, he denied it. Said it wasn’t true. Until I told him that I talked to his wife and where she lived.

    He asked me to come to his house and talk to him that night. I did. He had been crying, I was crying. He said he would do anything. There were ultimatems. He must show me the divorce papers (he insisted that he had filed), we would go to counseling, (he called the counselor while I was there), and he would unsubscribe to the dating network that he was still on. Things got better for awhile. He bought me many presents for Christmas. No one had ever treated me like that. Then I found out in March that he had another wife that he failed to tell me about. This makes 3 ex wives.

    He has 3 daughters. Has not been involved in their lives for many years. The won’t even call him Dad. I am a family person. I have 3 sons. My boys, my family all welcomed him and he enjoyed going to see them. We had so much fun together. However, there were outbursts of temper that seemed to come out of nowhere. Most of the time, that was happening at work. Only occasionally did I see it. It was much worse when he was drinking.

    He asked me to marry him on July 5 at a resturant with my friends present. We set out date for 7/7/7. Then we started looking for a house. He got preapproved for a loan on the house and we were to close on it the 31st of August of 2006. I backed out of everything the day before closing because I checked his financial background. I found that he owed a bank in SD almost $400,000. I freaked out. He didn’t believe me.

    After a couple of weeks, I found out that he was dating. One night he called me when he was very drunk. He was crying. Said he would always love me. He used to tell me that several times a day. Then we started talking again and soon we were back together again.

    He was still talking to other women. On January 1 he gave me my ring back. January 12 he lost his job and went in to severe depression. Instead of actively looking for a job, he spent most of his day online looking for women on dating sights.

    He finally found a job in another state. He had been staying with me since he lost his job in January. His new job started April 3

  34. Elaine of Kalilily on 10 Sep 2006 YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT CHARLES!!! I COULDN’T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.

    the lengths they go to. i had an extremely unnerving experience with a female sociopath. we befriended each other (so i thought) but it turned out she intentionally and methodically lied to me about anything and everything and then tried to gas light me for months. but i consider myself fortunate that i didn’t have to learn this lesson with a man. having this experience with a female “friend” who was secretly loathing me the entire lenghth of our “friendship” made me realize that there are just some sinister people out there. to do it simply for the sport of it…to have no motivation such as getting sex, money, power, etc,…rather just simply for the pure pleasure of hurting someone. it is inexblicably bizzare. learn from this. it is not you. it is something beyond our understanding. it is evil as far as i’m concerned.

    sandra

  35. I have just recently met a man I believe is a sociopath. He is incredibly seductive and women hone in on him like flies to sugar. He is very good looking and EVERYTHING about him is incredibly sensual.

    Luckily for me, I really have nothing to offer this man. Only sex. I have no money, no small children to exploit.

    I think he has tired of me and is already moving on. It is hard because he made me feel so sorry for him. I bought his story hook line and sinker and told him many very personal things that will be embarrasing when he tells all the neighbors which I am he will.

    He is my second sociopath. The first was my dad. And yes he did appear to be incredibly loving and always took food to dying neighbors etc. However, almost always there was an ulterior motive of some kind. His “love” extended over to molestation of me and my older sister. I have post traumatic stress so this new guy played right into some of the issues I am working on. All of the sudden, out of the blue, someone very much like my now deceased day moves next door.

    I just hope I can make myself not return calls or whatever.

  36. It’s been one year exactly since my last post on here. I have been able to completely heal from my sociopath and found life as a single woman isn’t so bad after all. I’ve been dating some very sweet, sincere, handsome catches…all having a full conscience and loving hearts. I’m just not ready to settle into anything yet and trusting is still hard for me. I’ll always be skeptical. But the pain that was I put through has passed and I feel like a stronger woman…ready to take on anything. There is life after a sociopath. Just stop all contact with the sociopath and don’t look back. Surround yourself with good people and let the past go. My life is going great….the greatest revenge is to go on living a full, happy life and not hanging on to a painful past. Sometimes it comes to mind..which is why I stopped on this website to read again where I was last yr, but it feels good to know I got through it all. I’m sorry everyone on here has experienced the pain of a sociopath. Just know, you’re not alone and there is genuine love and happiness to be found out there. So go on living and loving and don’t let them ruin what is the best part of you.

  37. Hi, My name is Carol. I am a 51 year old lesbian who just “came out” at 49 and I need to say that there is indeed a female sociopath out there preying on innocent people. Her name is Tina Becker-Lasher and she is from Penn Yan, NY.
    This woman is a sexual predator of both men and women and she will say and do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to win “the game” she plays. She was the ex of my live in girlfriend who wormed her way back into a friendship with her by saying she had changed…but she hadn’t. She managed to break US up. When my gf Val turned her down she went after me and I fell for her sweetness and charm. Tina was what I thought was the ideal woman, and because I had lost my trust in Val I didn’t believe what Val had told me about the “evil” Tina. I thought Val was just trying to keep me from finding happiness with my true soulmate. Tina gazed deeply into my eyes,mesmerizing me; kissed me with her addictive kisses, sobbed in my arms and told me EVERYTHING that I most wanted to hear. “We have a genuine bond…a spiritual connection, it’s so strong and powerful it’s like we have KNOWN each other forever and are a PART of each other…or were together in a past life”. AND I BELIEVED her because that is exactly how I felt.
    We were togeter for about 6 weeks then we had a little tiff. She ended up going to move in with a TS, JESSIE, a previous ex of mine I’ve been friends with for almost 8 years, that I had introduced her to. She left on June 19th and I OD’d on Tylenol trying to commit suicide on the 23rd cuz she had left me for Jessie or so I thought. She nor Jessie called nor came to the hospital to see if I was OK, but lo and behold Val did and was there for me the entire time. She and another friend came to see me and said that Jessie and Tina were together now and had been over to visit this other friend and Jessie and Tina were definately living together. The day I got out of the hospital Jessie and Tina drove in and Tina brought me a rose, and Jessie didn’t even get out of the car. I talked to Tina alone and she told me that day she had found out she had stomach cancer. She said that she couldn’t come to see me cuz she had hurt her back and that she was NOT with Jessie, they were just friends.
    Well anyways to make a long drawn out story shorter Tina was nothing but lies,lies,lies or so I BELIEVE in my heart at this point, at least where it comes to what happened with both Val and Jessie. She played me to break up me and Val. She played BOTH me and Jessie, lying to both of us about the other to break up our friendship. She was having sex with and making plans with both of us at the same time right thru part of July. THEN Tina’s previous ex Becky “stopped over” (we think she had been in contact with her planning this out) and she took up with her too. In fact Jessie had been with Tina sexually on July 14th, Becky was staying with her by the 16th and was still staying with her on July 24th when Tina was intimate with me ag

  38. I have talked to a therapist about my experiences with two sociopaths. Both were handsome, charming, charasmatic, flattering, manipulating devils….and I do mean DEVILS. My therapist says that I am vulnerable to these men because I was abused emotionally, verbally and physically by an alcoholic, psychiatrically unstable Mother. No….I’m no dummy…high IQ, degree in psychology (yeah, that’s right…vulnerability to these immorals transcends even intellectual knowledge of such things). Oh…and I’m NOT young…almost 59. Last socio I was with (till 2 months ago) will be 60 this year. He fits all the categories, and his flattery and false commitments to me very early on in our relationship sucked me into his upside down world. He never relinquishes his co-dependent victims….and depends on promiscuous sex (while having a so-called ‘normal relationship’ with a successful, morally upright lady, all the while lying, then stealing hours to see his dependent whores). He basically is their “sugar daddy” and has devised sexually sick ways of making these dependent ‘so-called “ex” girlfriends” (the “bad” girls…the ones he wouldn’t take out in public or to meet his family)…so strapped to him, he is much like a cult leader. His cult is sex, alcohol, pot, and any kind of sex he can get from his former “exes” (who still come to him like pitiful moths to the flame). He gives them money, sometimes elaborate gifts, much like a “pimp” makes his prostitutes dependent on him.(Of course, he hid all this from me for months..I had to do a little PI work to find out about all this). It took months with him before I began to see the patterns and notice the utilization of some of the same lies. It was not long before he was bored with me (the “good” girl) although it was certainly not from lack of sex (which, to him, is the ultimate form of ‘love’). Our relationship itself was strange….lacked any kind of normal socialization with other friends (especially mine). In fact, if anything, he all but isolated me from my friends, but “used” me to represent himself as a “prodigal son”, early on making sure I was introduced to everyone in his family. What I didn’t know was this has been his pattern; his family finally told me this just after I left him FINALLY. His siblings and their spouses (as well his only Son by an early marriage which failed becaused of his promiscuity…even while that wife was pregnant with his son) are all sick of his notorious lifestyle. After living in a much larger city for 25 years and going through 2 wives there (and multiple affairs), he finally moved back to his small hometown, where he hadn’t lived for almost 40 years, thinking that his family (very large in number) would support and protect him….another group of cult victims I guess he thought in his sick mind. Truth is, he has hurt them by bringing them close to his worst-hurt victims, the “nice” women…the ones who he treats like dirt. His

  39. Ditto re the comment about managing to write some poetry as a result of your encounter with this person… It’s hard, difficult (as I seem to attract these guys like honey attracts bears) but surely there is something for me to learn from that?I hope to God I get to learn it pronto – I am so tired of being totally sure that the next one is going to be just as bad as the previous one.. so I have simply given up.
    But I am grateful for the poetry, for opening me up sufficiently. Very grateful.

  40. It’s not easy getting over a sociopath. I realized my ex is one just recently, after weeks spent not being able to understand his behavior, rubbing new women in my face (while he sent me romantic texts), explaining how they are thrilled to have an open relationship though I couldn’t do it, blaming me for decisions he made. My esteem was in the toilet, my work was going nowhere, I didn’t want to leave the house because I was so miserable. his words rang in my ears, from the love songs to the hateful words that he used to toss me aside.
    He started to really hate me when i asked him point balnk why he wanted to be my firned when he treated me so badly, when he made it clear that I was not the person for him. He didn’t say anything. then i asked him what he could bring to the table as my friend, why would I want to be in his life after the way he treated me. He said, his “wit, charm and good looks.” But that’s all a sociopath can offer. No more. It’s a capacity issue.
    Realizing that he’s a sociopath helps. It helps me realize there is nothing to do, no amount of thinking about it will change anything , no amount of discussion will change it. I think of the men I know, they love their wives, they stick by them , sure they argue, but they want to share an emotional life with their wife.
    On line are several checklists for sociopathology, one states that sociopaths are highly adept at figuring our someone’s weak spot and using it to get what they want. My weak spot is emotional honesty, he gave me that got what he wanted (a funded trip to the near east, a lot of love and support for a career change) and dumped me, cold-blooded. there was no emotional bond there, I was used. Emphasis on WAS. Slowly, I’m realizing that in order for it to not happen again, I have to stay on my game, I can’t hide away. So, I go on little, lowstakes dates. I approach very slowly, I don’t reveal my cards, I’m pleasant and fun, and then I go on a different date. No physical intimacy. Keeping it light, but clear, not giving out my number right away, using *67 to block my number if I call him, very slowly. Because the sociopath will rush in, and going slowly will frustrate him, he’ll move on. I don’t give him what he wants. It must be obvious he’s got a connection between his heart and his mind. That rules out drug users right off the bat. heart-mind connection is shown through his actions, consistently and over time. no funny business. The other thing to keep in mind is that the sociopath will resent anyone who tries to understand them, it reminds them of their inability to connect. So try to understand your date before anything happens. If they don’t seem comfortable with that, get out. Next fella, please.
    I could be decimated but I chose/struggled with what felt like all my might not to be. Good friends make a difference, help a lot, reading in a coffee shop, hanging out with couples you respect and placing your energy on that kind

  41. I have been reading aout people getting over the sociopath all weekend and have reached on of probably many conclusions: Imagine Lot’s wiife leaving Sodom and Gommorah. She running away from a place that was filled with pain but that she loved and she looked back. The Pillar of salt she turned into was her deep sadness, her tears. She died. She had no new life. When you’re leaving a person who’s caused you so much pain and given so many empty promises, don’t look back. Leave. no matter what the call from them is like. Keep running to new land, and to people who, I promise, are kind and have a mind heart connection. Let that person burn and selfdestruct until they must get their own help, if they ever do. But keep moving, don’t look back. Don’t contact, don’t pick up the phone if he/she calls, if you wonder about him/her send a little wish that you’re going to find the partner you realistically want and thank god you’re out of such pain.

  42. I was deeply involved with a guy i now realize was the worst kind of lying,cheating,manipulative,lame and lazy excuse for a womanizing giggilo,a lousy,spun out drug dealing wanna be rock star,a bleading heart leach,feigning benevolent,slimey sweet talking,back stabbing,stealing,blood sucking,selfish alcohaulic narscasistic parasite…..and those are his good qualities! Main problem:SOCIOPATH. He disappeared without a trace…that was 8 months ago.Havent heard from him since.

  43. Being in a relationship with a sociopath was never something I had considered a possibility until recently. Well really, until last year. Ican’t believe it’s taken me a year to distance myself from the relationship and even now, it’s a struggle. I don’t know how it is that I think I need him when he gives no inidication he feels the same way. In fact, quite the opposite with the exception of when he is trying to manipulate sex.

    I met him last year and even though I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I found myself wanting one with him instantly. He was perfect- I met his famiy, he met mine (including my kids). A few things, of course, bothered me and didn’t add up, but I chalked it up to me just being gun shy. We used to joke about how I wanted to bail all the time.

    I know now there were red flags everywhere and maybe it was my subconscience telling me to get out. He said he worked all the time and sometimes didn’t get home until 3am. He said I couldn’t go over to his house because his brother lived there. He blew off dates. He said women he used to date still called him for sex daily and that if I wanted to keep him, I had to not only keep up with him sexually, but give in to his every need/want. I read over the other comments on this page and I was living that. It got so bad at one point, I asked him point blank if he was seeing anyone else and believed him when he said no.

    Months later, I found out that not only was he seeing someone else, they had been together for two years and were practically living together. She was also his cousin.

    Believe it or not, I didn’t distance myself right away from him. I wanted to think that person I was in the relationship with was the real him. The one that would leave her and we would go back to having the perfect relationship- only it wasn’t perfect. He would call and say not to leave- that he needed me. He manipulated me in every way possible while still maintaining a sexual relationship with her that continues to this day. He says he’ll call me once he’s ended it with her.

    I don’t know how it happened. I think back and don’t know how I didn’t see it or how I allowed it to go on so long. I block him from my email, but still take his calls and txt messages sometimes. And still give in to sex. It’s a work in progress. I went through it all alone- my family didn’t understand and I had lost the respect of my friends for putting up with it so long. I am now in therapy and feel like I’m getting my old self back.

  44. I have also had similar experience with the Breathing shadow of a person, in my case, it was a girl, who lived quite a distance away.
    this condition is in both genders, and all i could describe it was, the WORSE 2 years of my entire life!
    Instead of using the BAD BOY Image {that most men use to lure woman} My “BAD person” udes Charm and caring.
    wholesomeness and integrity.
    I began to feel like a walking ghost, both alienating my friends and family, and simply shutting out the outside world.
    NONE OF IT MADE SENSE! ” Why was i never getting a return phonecall, why was i the one who was confrontational, or overly emotional?
    It took quite a bit of time { 1 Year or so}…after multiple attempts of understanding the true situation, I Finally got a chance to do what man of us wish we could.
    I GOT INTO HER HEAD, and what i came to find was not only disturbing, but plain outright EVIL!
    PAWNS, All the people in her life were
    Simply pawns.
    Lies upon lies, had an ongoing relationship with some other person { Who i later established was also one of her victims.
    Narcotics abuse, Random sexual encounters, I honestly would not be shocked if this SUCCUBUS had bodies buried in her yard.

    I thank god i still have my love, and even my trust, and please know
    It does get better, and these people will eventually implode under the weight of they’re own falsity.

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