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Old Comments (28)

1. Stu Savory on 12 Jun 2005

   You wrote "At least I managed to get some decent poetry written as a result of my stint with one of those."

   Never having met that combination of people, I'm still stuck blogging Vogon poetry (e.g. saturday).

   Oh well, you can't win 'em all.

   Stu

2. carolene jackson on 19 Jun 2005

   i was married to a sociopath for many years I only recently discovered the heartbreaking and awful truth. But inspit of that I still find myself wanting to believe that there is a good and loving person there in him. But I know that there is only a black and bottomless pit void of emotiom. and it leaves my mind in a state of blankness on one hand these people are ill and on the other hand we are faced with living our lives with a group of monsters that only pray on the unsuspecting.

   please reply back to me and if you know of any support groups for victims of the sociopath please call me 478-274-0486 or send the info to my email.

3. heather on 21 Jul 2005

   I have loved a sociopathic man for almost two years. I finally had to end it as his conscienceless womanizing (and telling me about it) had me in despair. I ended it a month ago and it is very difficult. I guess I am obsessed but I am determined!

4. Rifkha on 10 Sep 2005

   My heart is currently being broken by a sociopath. My boyfriend of two years just got put in jail. I have loved him with all my, giving him money, accepting countless collect calls, and vowing to stay with him through thick and thin. I even put up with him writing to ex girlfriends because I figure it must be bad enouh being i there and anything that helps break up the time is good. Last sunday he called me. He had just seen his mother and had a good visit with her I guess. She is a very codl weird woman. Anyway I could tell he was angry at m. I started asking him some questions, he hung up on me and has not called me since. I am so hurt you cannot imagine. How could he just throw me away after all that time after all the things he said. I'm so confused and hurt

5. Erin on 31 Oct 2005

   Yes, that all sounds familiar. The sociopaths in my life started in the adoptive home with my mother and older brother. Then, I have been in and out of relationships of all kinds with all shapes of sociopaths. The most damaging of which, happened to me two years ago. A man that came into my life shortly after I was beginning to get things back on track and presented the ideal image. As time progressed, I realized how much his front was crumbling and didn't measure up to reality. He even had the balls to tell me, "I could be manipulating you and you wouldn't even know it." That was only one of many hurtful things spoken.

   He was in a successful local band (and worked two other jobs to survive), and had all kinds of exes calling all the time, as well as hopeful women talking about "phone dates" and the like. From the moment he laid eyes on me, it was nothing but lying, deceiving, cheating, and treating me like shit. But, he had such a good Jekyll show going, everyone thought I was completely crazy to even suggest there was an evil nature lurking underneath. Anyway, I eventually found out that he was chronically masterbating to child pornography and having sex with underage girls, so my mind went bonkers. I had no idea how to deal with it, and I'm sure I'm the only one that knew. He is such a social butterfly (but the relationships are all very shallow and with other unstable people) and can charm the pants off of any woman (which he does freely). I ended up moving out after about two years, and then he started in on my friends and family. He had the nerve to email my best friend of ten years and tell her that "it was all in my head", and she believed him. So, I lost her friendship for attempting to get the truth out about him and how dangerous he was, as well as a number of others. I was 100% alone and he didn't stop there. Every once in awhile, he'd have acquaintances of his come by and make rude remarks about the status of my mental health and I lost it. I got drunk one night, the night of his 35th birthday (while he was entertaining 4 different women), and deliberately smashed his car. Yes, it was juvenile, yes it was illegal and, yes, I stooped to his level, but man, it felt good until I was arrested. So, I'm still picking up the pieces from that one, and my record is tainted. However, I'm not the kind of person to let that make me give up, because then he really wins. Instead, I'm going to use it as fuel for my fire to make it, and prove that there is worth here in me, and I will be a fantastic psychologist someday!

6. Tiffany on 03 Dec 2005

   "black bottomless pit" I read that and thought to myself that is exactly what it's like.

   I'm in the process of getting over my sociopathic ex. The things he has done to me (lies, abuse, disappearing, substance issues) ruined my life (at the time)and now I find myself starting completely over in every way.

   I was once a strong independent and fiesty woman. Now I feel weak, ashamed, and foolish (to say the least).

   I loved him like I never loved anyone and I was hurt like I'ven ever been hurt before. I just kept hoping for a better tomorrow but the tomorrows got worse despite the promises. He was calculating and manipulative. He made me feel like I walked on water yet took everything away from me.

   It's a long recovery process recovery process. Sometimes I feel full of rage while at other times I find myself missing him and thinking that he was my soulmate.

   I guess I'm just lucky he didn't actually kill me. There were many occasions that I thought he was going to. Of course during the low points of this painful process there was a small part of me that wish he had.

7. Me on 28 Dec 2005

   U have to understand that we are dealing with a force bigger than any of us and this force cannot be beaten. I was involved with a sociopath for over 2.5 years, I felt the same way, that maybe he was my soulmate,or maybe it was true love? All those things. Now I think of all the women who sit back and think the same thing.
   He chased me for 7 years before I finally let him in....then it was like a whirl wind and he swept me off my feet. His friends and family claimed they have never seen him like this. I thought maybe this was what I have been waiting for.

   Just to get my heart broken in a million pieces. He still calls and tells me I'm the love of his life and he can't live without me...blah, blah, blah...

   He paints these amazing pictures of what our future will be like. He is all talk, that is all he does is talk. He has such exagerated sexuality, I thought I would never find someone who brought such amazing chemistry....now after realizing what I am dealing with, I look at it like this; they cannot feel or love or truely be sad or even happy, they can however feel attraction and sexual excitment. So for a normal person we have many channels or outlets to express what we feel b/c we feel many things but what if all you felt is sexuality and that is all you truely could express. Of course, it would be exagerated.

   They are such foul human beings and they are capable of truely destroying peoples lives. Do not morn for your loss rejoice in the fact that you are free to live! U have allowed him to take pieces of you already don't let him take all of you......he does not care he is on to the next victim, you can bet on that.
   Don't waste a single second more.\
   Remember there are many of us going thru the same exact thing and feeling hopeless and struggling with why we still care and so on. So you are not alone. There is nothing u could have said or done that would or will ever change the situation. U deserve better, U must believe that.

8. Nancy on 31 Dec 2005

   Are there ANY support groups for sociopath-surving partners/ex-partners??? Please, please respond if you are aware of any groups or resources besides private practice therapy. Thank you all.

9. sophie on 04 Jan 2006

   Ugh!
   It feels good to know that I am not the only one who is going through this by myself. I met my Sociopath randomly online. We clicked right away, he said all of the right things as most of them do. He is from another country, so after about month of him calling me several times a day, several e-mails and hours Iming, he flew 22 hours to meet me, how about that for flattery? He was EVERYTHING I wanted in a man, right down to his stupid NZ accent (I cringe whenever I hear one on TV now, literally makes me sick to my stomach!!!!)
   He made plans to visit again, telling me that he would do everything he could to make sure I didn't forget him...Then one day, he turned, told me that he had been in a relationship with someone for years, that I was just fun. Mind you this was all through IM. He called me weak and stupid, and had the nerve to ask me if we could continue, oh, and he also spent the conversation telling me how I could never be as perfect as his GF and that she was his soul mate. I felt so stupid, betrayed, humilated, espeically when he told me that at that moment he was IMing 2 other unsuspecting women, luring them in.
   This was over 2 weeks ago. I hate him yet still love him, well maybe not him, more of the fake him. I cut off all contact got rid of everything, pics, letters, emails voice mails everything and feel depressed, lost weight and cried through out the holidays.
   The kicker of all of this? When I woke up this morning and checked my email, there was a IM request from him to become a contact again, can we say CRAZY??? Of course I blocked him, but have been spending the day wondering what the hell he wanted. To try to manipulate me more? To tell me that he got married and rub it in?
   Whatever it is, I am not going to find out, him contacting me makes me feel like I have more control over the situation. Does that sound crazy?

10. pamela on 18 Jan 2006

    HELLO IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE...JUST HOW DOES ONE RECOVER FROM THE COMPLEX PYSCHIATRIC INJURY OF LIVING INTIMATELY WITH A SOCIOPATH? I NEED HELP. IT HURTS...TELL ME SOMETHING

11. Elaine of Kalilily on 18 Jan 2006

    I'm wondering if all of you leaving comments here realize that this site is not a bulletin board. Rather, it's a personal weblog, and if you scroll up to the top and click on the image of the mountains, you'll get to my home page.

    There is only one way, as far as I know, to deal with psychological trauma, and that's therapy.

    "Telling your story" is also therapeutic. Sheldon Kopp's book "If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him" presents good examples of how that works.

    Any one of you can set up a weblog for free at www.blogger.com, where you can invite people to join and share stories. If enough of you are interested, I could set one up and moderate it and make it private so only those who join/register (it's free) can read or write on it. It can be like a virtual support group -- although there will be no "expert" who provides professional advice. Let me know.

12. Kelly Gallo on 01 Feb 2006

    Hi Elaine of Kalilily! Love your website and your poetry. I don't really know what a personal weblog is but I thought I'd send you these good thoughts for the day. You are a wonderful writer. I'm going to check out the weblog deal too. Take care and ... keep writing! :)

13. Jeanne Kusak on 12 Feb 2006

    Hi,
    Where do I begin? First off , I am in the process of divorcing a sociopath. We have been married 21 years. I have known him for 25 years. I'm 46 years old so that's more than half my life. i am a housewife and mother. There is life after a sociopath. My story is a horrifc and long one. I do understand and have felt all the feelings you have all felt. He is still managing to ruin my happiness, but not my life.
    I am and still are going to therapy for HIS problem. This is an on-going process and being the father of my two wonderful children, will never end. 12 years of every therapy, doctor and behavioral center in the Midwest area. Also my profounf faith has helped tremendously. Yes, my glorious sociopath admitted ME into a behavioral center. That's were I woke up. They told me I was fine and didn't need the center but he did. They finally convinced me that I was SANE, when he made me feel so insane. They said the only way to help my situation was leave him.
    This is the truth. You have to let go and believe in yourself and no matter how convincing he is, believe in yourself because HE'S the SICK one. He won't go for help. If he does he won't listen or take the sessions seriously because he believes he's ok.
    Since this Kaliliy's web-site I will hope my words helped. If I could help and share my stories I would love to.
    Get away from him!!!
    Peace and Tranquility
    Jeannie

14. Virginia on 13 Feb 2006

    Yes, oh yes, there is life after such a relationship. Believe me, we are the fortunate ones who have a conscience, can love and have empathy.
    I too have been the victim of such a relationship, and in the end did not know what was real or true. He was such a Jekyll and Hyde personality. I always knew there was something that just did not make any sense with his behaviour, and tried to foolishly help and understand. Just what he was aiming for…after discovering many of infidelities and sick and tired of his bouts of anti social behaviour – I walked out, never to return.
    Have found therapy extremely useful and now happy to be consciously free of the pain and hurt he caused and I that I allowed.

    Can highly recommend – “The Sociopath Next Door” – by Martha Stout, PHD.

    To quote: “Sociopaths are people who have not developed an emotional sense or conscience. They experience emotions very differently from you and me, they do not experience love at all, or any other kind of positive attachment to their fellow human beings. This deficit reduces their life to an endless game of attempted domination over other people. There is no cure.”
    We on the other hand with some assistance in understanding ourselves and the behaviour patterns of a Sociopath can move on and continue to have meaningful and salifying relationship. We are the fortunate one in this regard.

    Great site, healing and helpful.
    

15. Dave on 13 Feb 2006

    In the Seventies I worked with the most evilest person I have ever known. She was a classical Sociopath to the extreme. I had to resign from my job, change my home telephone number, and eventually move in fear of her.
    She was able to manipulate and brainwash just about everybody. It seemed that I was the only one that she wasn’t able to control, originally. Then after 3 years of torture I finally circum to her evil spell. I then became one of her many agents doing her evil deeds. I hated myself for it, but at this point I had become insecure and vulnerable.
    The manager tried several time to fire her, but the controller was mesmerized by her and believed every lie she told. Then one day he told her that maybe he couldn’t fire her, but he could keep her out of the department. And he did. Two years later the controller found an excuse to fire the manager and did. She then rehired the Sociopath. I worked there for about eighteen more months and then left the company after my twentieth anniversary. That way I was bonded for twenty years of retirement.
    She could be very convincing and have crocodile tears roll down her checks on command. Actually, it took me a long time to realize that she actually believed the lies that she told. She was able to convince herself that she was justified in all of her misdeeds.
    There was no limit to her torture of the innocent. I truly believe that if she were a man, that she would most likely have been a serial rapist and killer.
    Now I can easily spot a sociopath and know how to deal or avoid them. I even live next door to one now. But none have ever been as bad as that Sociopath woman from the seventies.
    

16. khatalyst on 01 Apr 2006

    Kalilily, what a great name! I too got a lot of poetry out of five-year episodic relationship with a sociopath, but the quality of it went downhill as I did. After I finally booted him out of my life, and started on the two-year-long recovery that's still going on today, the poetry began to got more brutally honest about what was going on with me. And less readable in public settings. The problem with recovery from a sociopath is that the victim sounds like the crazy person.

    I mean, how did we volunteer for this, over and over? Why didn't we leave? Why would anyone live the the kind of pain these guys generate? It must be something wrong with us. And we know that's true because we've been told what's wrong with us, in vicious detail, during the whole nightmare.

    Well, recovery... several people asked about it. I can't find a source of either online support or any kind of program. Individual therapy seems to be the only approach.

    When I got the monster out of my house, life, bank account, etc., I made up my mind to figure out what was wrong with me. Not all the things that he said were wrong with me, but what was wrong with me that I let this guy into my life. His history with women fell into two categories. Women who he left in emotional collapse, like me. And women who just got rid of him after a brief exposure.

    What was the difference between them and me? I'm an incest survivor. I know it's affected me. I managed to live a reasonable life until he came along. But I figured that the incest had something to do with it.

    Two years into this process (the first year working on the feelings by myself, the second year with a therapist), and I've made a lot of progress. Always my goal was to get to my life back, and to make myself better than I was before I met him. Because if I'd been less dependent a personality, more self-protective, and less vulnerable to what other people thought of me (like him), I never would allowed him into my life or self-destructed because of him.

    Anyway that's my theory, and it's working pretty well. I can't say I'm finished with the work, but it's good work, and I'm taking my life back.

    Good luck to all of you. If these poeple wake us up to the need to protect and care for ourself, something good comes out of it.

17. RysenAbov on 21 May 2006

    I too am rowing the same boat but now I am paddling upstream- recovering from the trauma of being with a sociopath, yet he wasn't just a sociopath he was a celebral narcisstic sociopath. 100% out for him. The mask of deception, gas-lighting, blaming, manipulation, and intimidation were his means of survival at the expense of another persons life and innoncence.

    To help me see and regain and redevelop my sense of self, sinse I somehow lost sight of me. I attend counseling with a counselor who specializes and knows what a sociopath is and ways they victimize people and the trauma they leave behind. I feel it is vital to have a counselor who has studied and knows how to treat a client who has just survived a relationship being with a sociopathic person. It is not as easy as saying well he's out of the picture now; the self-doubt, mind-games, victimizing, lies, gas-lighting, deciet, manipulations, abuse, and trauma one has been through... needs a counselor/pyschotherapist who will help a person find themselves again, piece back together thier life and self, and one who will uncover and discover what is lacking of oneself to allow these self-centered, self-obsessed, selfish sociopaths to sobatage our lives. Yes it is self-esteem and self-confindence that is lacking,(speaking on my own behalf), yet, (still talking about me) there seems to be a deeper rooted problem/issue that I haven't dealth with that seems to misguide me and allows me to subject myself to individuals of this nature instead of what I should of done, (when, even prewarned of how he was) went in the other direction.

    In counseling I have come to discover that there was some unjustified shame and guilt that I seem/was holding on to that makes/made me believe that I am unloveable and don't deserve honesty, respect, and love. I learned that I was punishing myself by hoping and praying he would change. When it was me who needed to change. Sociopaths do not change, there are many psychotherapists who won't deal with a sociopath on a client level because one doesn't know if the manipulative, disception mask is on or not. The sociopath is a chamelion able to change to whatever the situation calls for.

    Thank GOD I am (one day at a time) learning how to love myself and realize I'm not the crazy one I am a woman who was with a CRAZY ONE!!!

    I also wanted to state, and believe me, please trust, i found Al-anon (EVEN IF you're sociopath did not have an addiction/alcohol issue. AL-ANON I highly recommend it after being with a sociopath will teach you (you don't have to say you're real reason you're there- because of you're sociopath) you're there because someone has a problem (well mental condition) who has affected you're life

    I am finally beginning to heal my inner wounds; my mind and thoughts are finally alot clearly and I can now see how I was living in/with insanity. When I was in the relationship I couldn't see TRUTH I had been so derailed by his INSANITY that I started to believe that it wasn't him it was me who was crazy, and true I was being driven to crazy deperation point because he was sucking the life and sanity out of me.

    I now know that I don't have to self-doubt myself because of him. I have choices today and if I am going to love myself and be true to me and do whats best for me and my children, then deep down I know in my heart I need to stay away and be aware of the characteristics of a sociopath, red light warning signs, or that nawing feeling that something ain't right, quite frankly I have been blessed to get out with my LIVING LIFE.

    Quite frankly my advice to myself and to others who read this besides the suggestions that have helped me learn how to get over the sociopaths path of destruction; If you come across or suspect someone to be a sociopath in you're life, don't just walk away-- RUN, RUN FAST AWAY, you're not missing anything except a life of INSANITY AND LIVING HELL!!!

    Thank GOD to be free or beginning to be on you're way to freedom.

    Unfortunately a friend of mine wasn't able to get away- because HER SOCIOPATH TOOK HER LIFE.
    With that he got to take away from the lives of her children, her parents, and all those who loved her.

    Do it while alive, Thank GOD I could and you can too.

    Please, and I'm begging for you're sake and my own because I too, need the HOPE, STREGNTH, INSPIRATION, and COURAGE from others that there is hope to leave, heal, and carry on.

    
    That we/I can heal and make it too.

    GOD BLESS.

    
    P.S. Sry if I was long winded but thank-you for giving me a place to write what has been, been inside for a long time. Thank you for letting me share.

18. Sherry Daniels on 25 May 2006

    Hello I am Sherry Daniels. My 24 year old daughter Tiffany Gonzales is married to a smart, seductive sociopath named Chris Gonzales. Tiffany is sitting in prison downtown Dallas, Texas right now because of her sociopathic husband Chris. He seduced her into committing a felony crime of theft. She got probation and then he caused a fight and she hit him and then he called 911 and had her arrested for probation violation. He is very cunning and devious. She gets out June 9th, 2006 and is actually talking about going back to him. She has given him 4 sons and the second one Julion died by Chris' criminal negligence. Chris was seducing 2 fifteen year old girls out at the swimming pool until 3am every morning and took a newborn baby out there in the night air. Julion died of pneumonia. He was 3 months old. Tiffany cried and said you killed Julion, Chris grabbed her by the hair and slapped her face as hard as he could. She needs to be deprogrammed from his brainwashing...he actually has her believing that she is worthless and she cannot get anyone else and she believes him because he has beaten her self esteem down to a pulp. We need to start a Support Prayer Group for Victims of Sociopathic People. Email me Shewmakem@aol.com

19. Brittany on 27 May 2006

    I went out with a sociopath at the age of 14, we went out for 2 1/2 years..Until one day I told him all this stuff I thought about him( that included his socio pathic ways and behaviors)- a week later he had gotten with another girl, My heart was broken Literaly I wanted to die, It has been 10 months and yes I am still strugglying with having my thoughts scrammbled and played with. I new in my gut things weren't right, but I managed to stay with this manipulative, crazy pathological lying piece of crap.

    the pain I was put through, has shocked people when I explain my stories of what occured in my unrealistic relationship

    I have hope in my head, that he comes back just because I still to this day, being 18 long for him. he treated me like pure crap and I bought in to it. His sister and friends warned me saying" get out while you can" but i was so young and am still so long, that his manupaltive ways would put me back where I was, sadly...with him. I am a very emotional girl, I desire love..and with this feeling it blindes you with every type of fabric you can think of..

    I try to look at the bad things, but my emotions speak out more..I am reading all these stories and I am sorry you guys have gone through it to...

    I am afraid my stupid self will by in to one of these guys again, you know reapeating history..
    I know the lesson from this, but I can't seem to move on

    His new girl friend is crazy as well, but I'm sure he is having fun and controlling her
    and calling me from private calls only to fill my head with false hope
    I sometimes thought this guy got pleasure out of the pain he put me through

20. Marly on 14 Jun 2006

    This website is a place for healing. I had a short encounter with a sociopath. By the goodness of my heart I volunteered to help a nice looking young man to learn English. He had just arrived from South America. Within 2 weeks I was raped ( made it clear no sex without a condom ) he forced himself on me anyway. I forgave him believing it was cultural differences and language barrier. This guy was so slick. He was a charmer and said all the right things( I want to marry you I want you to have my baby, blah, blah , blah... But also made cutting remarks that I wanted to believe was the language barrier again. My gut told me he wasn't right. I caught him in lie after lie. I was raped a 2nd time by him. Very violent, and very hummiliating as he just smiled. It put me in shock for about 4 weeks. But as a fool that I was I wanted to save him from a life of squalid conditions so I did not report him or deport him. I missed alot of work and now am being seen by a trauma therapist. Today I went to the Dr. to make sure I didn't get any disease. It is going to take a very long time to put myself back together. I know in the long run I will be a wiser and stronger person.
    They have NO capacity to love or feel remorse for violating a person to the core of their heart. My heart feels for anyone who has had an experience with a sociopath. Not to wish this upon anyone, but this is the 1st place I have found with people who actually understand how profound and life changing experience being exposed to a sociopath is. Thank you for sharing everyone.

21. Susan on 09 Aug 2006

    Well ladies,

    I'm 34 and recently ended a 1 yr relationship w/a sociopath and he's my 3rd. I got involved w/2 other sociopaths when I was a tennager and they both put me in the hospital. How on earth did I fall for one at my age...again? I'm really traumatized o/all of this. I'm extremely educated but fell prey to his seduction. He was so handsome, charming, attentive, and seductive. He gave me the attention I craved, spoiled me, did the most thoughtful things...all the time. As time went by, the mask started to come off and pieces of him were being revealed. Once he knew I was on to him and his string of affairs, he was gone...just like that.

    My heart was so broken. Still is. But it's not him I love...it was the fantasy of finding the perfect man, which never existed. Like everyone else here, I'm having trouble moving on. You just get no closure to something like this. No answers. Because everything was a lie. I feel like a fool, for falling for it. And to top it all off, I met him thru another sociopath. An ex friend of mine. Once I discovered her lying, cheating, manipulative ways i got rid of her and she caused so much trouble for me. He and her set me up. I felt like a deer trapped w/a pack of wolves. They are both so twisted and disgusting. I'll bet they had sexual encounters behind my back, laughing at me...thinking that I was such a stupid girl. He probably cheated on me the entire relationship. That's what the sociopath does. They are sexual predators and they view everyone as prey. Hard to believe, someone I loved and trusted was a predator to me. That freaks me out.

    I am getting professional help. I don't want to fall prey to anyone else ever again. I thought I'd share my story, so you don't feel alone, because that's what the other stories did for me. I really felt alone in this, but after reading from others, it helped me to know I am not alone in this. I want my life back and I hope to find TRUE LOVE!

22. Stella on 30 Aug 2006

    Thanks to everyone who shared their stories. I went online, broken hearted, and found myself googling "sociopath" and "charming" to see if anyone else could possibly be sharing this horrible feeling, and found this site. It was one of the first things that helped me stop hurting, and start seeing my way out of this, since the same thing happened to me earlier this summer. Like the rest of you, I had my heart shattered by someone who I thought was as in love with me as I was with him. Then, two months ago, I got very sick and for the first time in my life felt like I was going to die. When I left a message telling him how I was feeling, he responded with a mocking reply (promptly followed up by a statement of concern and caring after I said that I couldn't handle being teased at that particular moment). When I explained a couple of days later that it hurt me that he initially found it funny that I was hurting and scared, he was gone. Not so much as one word since. I even left a message a couple of weeks later stupidly asking if he'd even just say goodbye, at least to have what I thought would be one iota of closure. But nothing.
    It's been two months and this only seems to be getting harder. Every day I fight the urge to call him at work and demand to know how you just throw someone out like a piece of trash. How do you talk to someone every day for a year, and then not even be upset enough that it's ending to call them one last time and respectfully explain that you don't want to continue the relationship? The most frustrating part is that I know that if I call him, he'll act like I'm the crazy, stalker ex-girlfriend who doesn't get the point.
    What maybe makes my story unique is that he told me that he was a sociopath months before, disclosing it several times, saying that he simply didn't experience guilt, and asked if that bothered me. It's a true testament to some people's ability to charm you and say just the right thing all the time to the point where you're convinced that they're your soulmate, that even this open statement of fact didn't wake me up. He explained that his parents, even grandparents, were sociopaths and told me how they abused him terribly his whole childhood to the point where he got kicked in the face with a steel boot and had a nerve to his eye badly damaged, remaining so until he could afford to get surgery as an adult. Because he seemed so awake to what not physiologically having the capacity for guilt meant, talked about the different ways in which he learned to channel the anger left over from all of this, and geared his work (and I thought also his personal life) to doing well in the world regardless, I overlooked this "one tiny flaw". His constant charming, calling, singing, poetry writing, saying we'd run away and live in Europe together etc., combined with the fact that all we ever seemed to do was laugh together and make each other happy, blinded me to the fact that perhaps his short-circuited emotional system also meant that he really didn't have the capacity for real love, or for something beyond self-satisfied infatuation. I made him laugh, and I think that's pretty much all it came down to for him. When I said something serious and unfunny after a year of bringing essentially no "relationship" bs talk to the situation - "I felt like I was dying - how could that make you laugh?" sadly immediately followed by an apology for even asking such a question - I was suddenly "insane", too insane to ever call again. The worst part is that I never got to hear him even say it...just the bottomless void of no response. I tell myself sometimes that if I heard him being cold and nasty, it would help me let go. But I find myself constantly struggling, every day, against the feeling that *I* did something wrong, and that I'm the crazy one for not being able to retain some zen-like humorous detachment in the face of what to me felt like death, and the fact that I couldn't take a "joke" at that point made me really someone that is worth cutting off completely and not even being worth said goodbye to. All we did was laugh and gently tease each other, so somehow I think he thinks that I betrayed this sense that life shouldn't be taken too seriously by not letting something that hurt, in what I admitted was likely a sickness-induced irritability, stand unmentioned.
    Where do you go from here? I thought I had found "the one", and lost interest in everyone else despite the fact that I'm young and attractive, and he's older and lives in another city. Life seemed so full of possibility a year ago, when we met and almost immediately started talking every day.
    And now. How do you pick up your shattered trust in people, when this is so far outside the boundaries of how much you think it's possible for one person to hurt another? At least if you argue with your significant other there's the feeling of friction against someone who is real, with their own feelings and problems. But I feel like I'm in love with a ghost, teflon, someone for whom all of my deepest love didn't seem to create a single thread of attachment. Like all he had to do was say to himself "Hmm...one discordant situation...I'm done with her", and he never thought about me again.
    In any event. At this point my story is just a variation on the rest of the ones up here. Most of all, I find myself wondering how to let go of this idea that there's good in everyone, that under all of the pain and callousness that I came to see in this man, there's a truly good person, and that there will always be this incredibly unique, alive thing between us. How do you let go of such a big love, when it feels like the only one you were meant to find in this universe?
    

23. Elaine of Kalilily on 10 Sep 2006

    Well, Charles, maybe you are on the level; maybe you're not. I question the legitimacy of someone who places such a premium on EMPATHY but mispells the word. Several times. I'm not saying that there are not female sociopaths. But I am warning any women who read Charles' comment and are attracted to his statement that he's looking for his soul mate -- beware. He might be trolling for just someone like you.

    And, Charles, if you're on the level, good luck.

24. Indigo on 27 Sep 2006

    I am almost totally convinced my boyfriend of 3 years is a sociopath or close to it. He fits every detail of every profile I have ever seen, except for one detail. He really does seem to love his kids. He's certainly not the best parent I've ever met but he has joint custody and is very involved with them and openly loving to them. I so want to believe that he is the good decent guy he claims, but his ability to manipulate, dominate, and inflict pain is astonishing! I have confronted him about being a sociopath and he insists he feels remorse, but I just don't see any evidence for it. I know he had a volatile divorce and was supposedly deeply damaged and so I have given him a LOT of leeway. He also claims to have been abused as a child. However, he insists that I terrorize him and that he is the one giving me leeway! He broke up (again) last week and I should be grateful, but he is so sexual and smart and funny and just plain intoxicating...........Now he is claiming that he loves me deeply and still wants to marry me but I am just too much of a psycho and he can't take me back. I have always thought he was the over the edge of reality. What I want to know is - does his love for his kids vindicate him? Is he just troubled but not a sociopath?

25. carterusm on 20 Oct 2006

    I'm pretty new to the realization that my husband is a sociopath. As I read all of this, and other sites, I am shaking, and sweating, and crying because it's all sickeningly familiar. I especially identify w/the person who said they thought there were smart enough to have found true love after many failures. I'm 36, have 4 kids, college educated, served in the military. I survived being abandoned by my mother when I was an infant; physical abuse by my alcoholic father; and his eventual suicide. I've survived and thrived being a single parent for years......nothing in my life has ever left me feeling this "broken".
    I don't have to articulate what it feels like....you all have done it already. Even though you are a bunch of complete strangers - words on a screen - I feel somehow oddly relieved that i'm not the only one going through this (though I am heartsick for every person who's had a reason to post here.) I wish I knew how to just sleep one night without waking up in a panicky, cold sweat. Has anyone had, or known someone who had - success with therapy for their sociopath?

26. crushedredpepper on 22 Oct 2006

    I'm sorry to all of you. I have just had my first experiance with a sociopath. luckily for me It's been only 2 months. she is currently seeing at least three other men (one which workes at the same company)she is also married(her poor husband). unfortunatly I have to put her to work everyday. But, Im currently entertaining the idea of approching HR. I can hear the groans as this is being read! but im fortunate, I've always partnerd her with my good friend so if she claimes any wrong doing on my part, he would back me up. also I've kept my boss informed from the begining. There can be justice against sociopaths. wish me luck! and I wish the best to all of you.

27. marie118 on 27 Nov 2006

    I too have had my life practically destoyed by a sociopath. I loved him so much. I never loved anyone like I loved him. He seemed so perfect. At first. He is a widower. He is good looking and charming. When we first became friends, he told me about how much he missed his late wife. Unfortunately for him, his wife had confided in friends that he was unfaithful to her the entire marriage. He was cruel to her. When I confronted him, he admitted that he was not the "perfect husband" but her death devasted him, and "he changed". Later I found out that he had a secret illegitimate child with the mistress (his own two children ages 10 & 15 don't even know about her - well, they do but think she and her mom are family friends). He promised me that they had no relationship any longer and that he visits the child only. He also works in a two person office with this woman! I am a very smart, educated woman. I was always independent. I believed every word he said. I even said, "your story is unbelievable but I believe you". I think part of it was due to the fact that I'd get upset with him when she called, etc and he would get angry with me for not trusting him! Every argument was settled with me apologizing. He was such a sweet "Christian" man most times, and at other times he was hanging up on me. I was always the one to go back to him. When I did decide to leave, he always came back - charming his way into my life. I found out recently that he and this woman never broke up. He was with both of us, leading a double life. When I got angry with him and confronted him, he threw me down on the ground. I was in the hospital for 3 days with a broken wrist and needing surgery. I still wanted him back!! It was only after I found out that he was pursuing at least one other woman that I realized he was sick. I realized the whole year I was with him was just a sick game for him. He told me he loved me. He was the best lover I ever had (didn't like sex before him). He told this third person the same story he initially gave me - his poor, grieving widower story. He told her how he missed his wife, felt like a deer in the headlights, etc. She bought it. I told her about him and me and about him and his mistress of 11 years. I hear they still talk. She seems still intrigued like I was. I hope she doesn't have to learn the hard way. I have never gotten an answer as to "why". I never got an apology. We go to court for his assault on me soon. He'll probably get out of that too. I want to get rid of all feelings for him. I cry every day missing "him" - whoever that is. Will I ever get over this? How? I wish at times I could die. My faith in God is all that's helping me through (and the friends that He put in my life).

28. SammyS on 07 Feb 2007

    I ALSO was married to a sociopath from another country-for 6 years.
    First, To INDIGO, above.
    NO, loving his children does NOT mean he is not a sociopath, or that he could ever be normal. Many definitions of them say that the person is incredibly loyal to family, and obviously this does not extend to spouses, since we are not blood relatives. Mine adores his family, but still lies to his beloved mother and brother.
    To everyone:
    There are many good books on related subjects that have helped me over the past couple of years that it took for me to realize what I was up against. Since he has had several affairs, I started with Shirley Glass' NOT Just Friends: RebuildingTrust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity.

    It is so tempting to waste your time trying to understand them!
    So then I got How to Spot a Dangeous Man and Understanding the Enneagram: the Practical Guide to Personality Types," by Don Russo. The first book is great and the second is also good to understand that they are often the Type 8, when bad, exhibits sociopathic behavior.

    Go ahead and try to understand them, but try not to waste too much of your valuable time, and certainly don't hope for change. I spent a lot of money on a wonderful cut-to-the-chase psychologist who said that my husband (soon to be EX) was hard-wired to deceive and that I should leave him.

    She didn't use the word sociopath, but I was somewhat offended (this was a year ago, before other more recent and graver transgressions) that she would say something so final and harsh. Hah! I also thought that she couldn't know my charming and sometimes sweet husband as well as I could, and that she wasn't making allowances for the MANY cultural differences, He is from a culture where women are not valued very much and they can have four wives, but he can walk the walk and talk the talk like the best sensitive guy, with promises for fidelity and good behavior galore!

    Two other execellent books are "When Your Lover is a LIAR: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal" by Susan Forward, and "How Can I Forgive You?"

    Both books talk about when to LEAVE, and Forward's has a whole chapter on Sociopaths, and she says This chapter is about the one kind of liar you must leave immediately. In fact it is probably the best among all the ones I read.

    I wasted so much time on this good-looking charmer who could not be faithful, who needed adulation from women constantly, who was a crummy lover (sociopaths often cannot sustain any feelilng of intimacy). Nobody has mentioned much about drinking, but I think my husband is also an alcoholic, which helped mask and distort the weird and hot/cold personality of the sociopath that I now understand him to be. Also don't think that just because the guy doesn't manifest all the conditions of sociopathy, that he isn't one. They don't have to have all the characteristics to be incapicating to their victims. There is also a great website about BULLIES,
    which are basically a form of sociopaths. It is bullyonline.org. about workplace bullies but the personality is there, spelled out really well.

    Best of luck to everyone. I don't pray, I believe in action. DO SOMETHING to distract yourself from these horrible guys, volunteer somewhere, get out and walk the dog, whatever it takes to reallize that YOU are normal and you cannot waste another minute!!! Travel if you can, see the world for all its wonders. There are still many people who can use help, who are worse off than you are.