It’s a guy thing.

The “every other Tuesday night” poet’s group I’m in is usually mostly made up of of guys — which actually works for me because, in my confined life these days, I don’t get to interact much with guys. Granted, as fine poets, these are not your stereotypical guys; they are used to digging below the surface of things and they are unusually perceptive. They’re also funny.
But that’s not what this post is about. This is about one of them sending an email around listing “37 cool things about being a man.” (This might have been one of those viral emails that somehow missed me.) And then another of the guys created “37 not so cool things about being a man,” which makes me enjoy having been born a girl (but not for these reasons.)
For all my beleaguered male friends everywhere, I share:
37 not so cool things about being a man.
1. I never get a job interview anymore.
2. MY orgasms don’t matter.
3. My last name appears on too many checks I didn’t write.
4. The garage is where I sleep after I’ve shared my feelings.
5. I wind up paying for the wedding the rest of my life.
6. I never stop feeling compelled to get laid.
7. Car mechanics are always engaging me in conversations.
8. I look really dumb when I shave my pubic hair.
9. I can get 30 years for helping a child who has fallen off a bike.
10. All work…more gray.
11. Wrinkles mean I’m old and dirty.
12. Nobody ever tells me about my zipper.
13. Pregnancy 9 months; deadbeat dad forever.
14. Somebody’s always pissing in my canteen.
15. No one ever stuffs dollar bills into my underwear.
16. I haven’t been able to afford shoes since the wedding day.
17. I have a tumor the size of all the emotions I’ve never expressed.
18. Phone conversations are the only sex I ever have.
19. I consider 5 days under the rubble of a collapsed building a vacation.
20. I am often praised for my ability to open a jar.
21. All my thoughtful acts have to be connected to credit card usage.
22. My underwear has stains old enough to vote.
23. & Now that I’m 54 and married, nobody notices.
24. I drive a truck and expect to be able to pick up something with it.
25. “Shoos” are what are hurled at me in the kitchen.
26. I have to watch football every Sunday instead of jerking off.
27. I have my memories – at least until I turn 50.
28. I can’t act worth a damn – it takes years of imagining the death of Ron Jeremy for me to cry a single tear.
29. There is more variety in the colors of my bowel movements than in the colors of my wardrobe.
30. I can’t bolt from a nut without being called a coward.
31. I am perfectly capable of tinkling on my pants.
32. The same hairstyle is persisting for decades, even as the follicles disappear.
33. My belly hides my erection.
34. One empty wallet, and one pair of ratty shoes.
35. I have to claw my way to the top without any fingernails.
36. I even have to be sloppy about my suicide.
37. The world is a stopped-up toilet.

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