I’ve tried just about everything herbal and homeopathic and over-the-counter. I’ve tried relaxation CDs and guided imagery. The only thing that works is a sleeping pill, and I will have to convince my doctor to prescribe some more. But I wish I didn’t have to.
I can’t fall asleep for one night, and my mom can’t fall asleep for good. And I think it’s all tied together.
I am helpless to help her, and her distress surrounds me even long distance, follows me into my own darkness.
I can’t bear to be with her and helpless to ease her distress.
Although yesterday, before I left to return home after five days trying, I sang to her, and she stopped her constant moaning long enough to try to sing with me.
“You are my sunshine,” I sang, and her straining voice joined me, mostly wordless, but struggling to carry the tune.
Down the street from where I live now, a teenage boy with some sort of autism sometimes sits outside and “sings” along with his audio player. The sound is haunting.
“Somewhere over the rainbow,” my mother sings with me, hauntingly, and for a few minutes, perhaps whatever mental and physical pain she’s feeling fades into the background of her distressed mind.
But not for long.
I wish you could slip into that long sleep of peace, mom.
We both need some rest.