the chalice of pain

This is my response to Magpie Tales’ visual writing prompt #42. You can find the responses of others by going here.

The Chalice of Pain

Father, if it is possible, let this chalice pass from me! Father, all things are possible to thee, remove this chalice from me!

Pain. We all feel pain. We all would rather not feel pain, and those in pain usually can let you know where it hurts and how badly it hurts.

Except if they have dementia.

There is a false assumption that those with dementia don’t feel pain because they often can’t articulate that fact in ways that are obvious — especially with words.

From “Pain and Dementia,” referenced above:

Over time your family member may lose the ability to speak or may not make sense when they do. Therefore, it is very important to be able to recognize behaviours or actions that indicate pain. Some of these pain-related behaviours include the following:
* frowning, grimacing, crying
* swearing, moaning, calling out, noisy breathing
* fidgeting, pacing, rigid posture
* guarding an area of their body, not wanting to move
* hitting or striking out
* withdrawing or resisting when someone is helping with personal care
* refusing food
* change in appetite, rest periods, or sleep patterns
* increased confusion, crankiness, or distress

From “Behavioural Changes”:

* Sudden changes in behaviour are important to recognize as these are often the only clue that an older person is sick, getting worse in their dementia, becoming depressed, or having a side effect from a new medication.
* Attention to your family member’s behavioural and psychological symptoms are key to improving and maintaining their quality of life.

A recent PBS Frontline program, “Facing Death,” documented the pain suffered by both family (emotional pain) and those dying from dementia and other illnesses (both emotional and physical pain.) You can watch the program at the above link. Also of great insight are the comments left by viewers.

From “What happens when elderly people die?”

…fewer than one in five people can have a peaceful end, since ‘dying is a messy business’ for which relatives are unprepared. He continues: ‘Too often, patients and their families cherish expectations that cannot be met, with the result that death is made all the more difficult by frustration and disappointment with a medical community that may be able to do no better.’

Relatives who expect aware deaths may become angry and turn their anger onto doctors and nurses when death takes other forms. Dying people often need psychosocial support, but the potential for introducing this occurs only when the dying phase is identified. This is not always possible in trajectories 2 and 3….. [2) long-term disability with periodic exacerbations and unpredictable timing of death that characterize dying with chronic organ or system failures (some cancers that respond to treatment and then relapse come into this category); (3) self-care deficits and a slowly dwindling course to death from dementia.]

After watching the Frontline program and hearing how the doctors explain the options to the families of dying patients, it seems to me that there needs to be more honesty from the medical profession about the dying process, its inevitability, and the benefits to the dying of making those patients as pain-free as possible.

Maybe, because I grew up above a funeral parlor operated by my father, a funeral director – maybe, because I sat at my father’s bedside while it took days for him to die of cancer (his mind was alert and he chose to die at home with a certain amount of pain) – maybe because I survived the excruciating pain of a breech birth and thought I had died and now I’m not afraid to die – I feel strongly that, when death is close at hand, it should be welcomed as a relief from pain and that pain (for example, of old organs failing, of agitated dementia) should be aided by pain-relief medication.

On my bookshelf is “Final Exit,” which I bought a long time ago out of curiosity about peaceful “self-deliverance” when my time comes, especially if that time comes riddled with pain.

But it becomes a lot more complicated if a form of dementia has stolen my ability to communicate my pain and my wishes. My daughter knows that I’d rather die in peace than die in pain.

In the story of the Garden of Olives, even Jesus pleaded for the chalice of pain to be taken from him. No one wants pain, although we often are willing to bear with a certain amount of it if it’s going to get better. But the pain of dying does not get better.

Somehow we need to be educated about that fact so that we hold the best pain-free interests of our dying relatives in mind.

5 thoughts on “the chalice of pain

  1. Thank you!!! This is very helpful and frighteningly informational. What a nightmare for everyone. I’m saving it and sending it to family and friends.

  2. I think there needs be a special, individual Advance Directive that people can make before — or shortly after — diagnoses to state how they wish to be cared for, or not cared for, if dementia or Alzheimers
    hits them. This new type of ‘Living Will’ to be additional to the ones which are lawful now. A version of this Advance Directive for a possibly future incompetent adult can be seen at the ERGO website, http://www.finalexit.org/ergo-store
    It is not a legal document, but an honest expression of future wishes if the person becomes incompetent.

  3. I wasn’t expecting this and am glad I found it. I suffer from Chronic pain which started after an accident left me crippled and I was able to see the pain min my FIL’s eyes as he lay dying after his third stroke will full on dementia, but the nurses couldn’t see it. This is very enlightening and I will remember this. Thank you.

  4. This is beautiful. I live with chronic pain and at 73 do not have dementia. My mother however died at 74 from complications of Alzheimer’s. By my age now, she knew no one in her family. I don’t know if she was in pain or not. I will never know. I pray I never have it. Thank you for this.
    QMM

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