letter to the Red States

Got this in an email. Don’t know who the author is, but it’s a great piece, so I’m sharing it here.
Dear Red States:
We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware,that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States

9 thoughts on “letter to the Red States

  1. It’s apparently been around in various forms since at least June 2005, when someone posted it to SF Craigslist.

    Back then, it included the line “We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.” but that would be both vaguely outdated and Spitzer likely isn’t someone we’d want to claim.

  2. Hey! No one is leaving me here in this red state! I’m moving with the other blue exiles to New California! There are actually quite a few “purple” states.

  3. Dear Blue States:
    Sounds great. We’ll keep the guns and warriors, which we will use to obliterate you blue-state, peacenik, welfare-loving, spread-the-wealth socialist traitors from the face of the good old USA.
    Locked and loaded,
    The Red States

  4. Dear Blue States

    If you manage to win this election it is because you bought it and/or Acorn helped you steal it…remember Bush won the electoral vote and the popular vote in 2004 …we did not need to steal anything. John Kerry was just an idiot and America figure that out. If you win this election, America then proves ignorance is bliss and the Red States encourage your succession from the USA and insist you take Obama with you.

    It is about time you formed your own country! The rest of the country has been wondering for years when that would finally happen-we all thought it would take an earthquake. We encourage you to take the Blue States with you, that includes California , Hawaii, Oregon, Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin (which has the highest # of binge drinkers) , Michigan (10th most dangerous state in the country) , Illinois (home of Obama, Ayres, Wright) and all the Northeast – We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the Red States.

    We believe you will be getting the short end of the stick but it is your choice to leave. Keep your states on either coasts and embryonic stem cell research. The #1 beach in the US 2008 is Caladesi Island State Park, Dunedin, Florida and there is plenty of ocean water beach and sun bordering red states! Oh yeah and can keep embryonic stem cell research. Researchers at your beloved Harvard Medical School say adult stem cells are more effective and may eliminate the need for embryonic ones anyway!

    You get the Statue of Liberty. And while you scoff at the fact we get Dollywood, I think you forget we also get Disneyworld. Someone else will have to be host to “Gay Days” because us Red States are pretty over the crude and vulgar behavior of the “in your face” homosexual crowd. You see we would no more tolerate heterosexuals behaving in the crude manner the homosexuals display in public at this family theme park.

    You may get Intel and Microsoft. But we get WorldCom and don’t forget NASA!

    You get Harvard. We get Ole’ Miss. We also get The United States Air Force Academy along with MANY other outstanding educational institutions. Food for thought…Harvard is President Bush’s alma mater…you hate President Bush so much and think he is a utter idiot and yet you gloat over the fact that you get to keep the institution that educated him…
    The Red States are home to many smart, innovated Americans that will rise to the task. We get Alabama. and Texas, Utah, Florida and really most of the entire US except the two extreme coasts. You get Hollywood and Yosemite …Take Hollywood and remember its residents will then forfeit all rights to their vacation homes in the Red States. While we might miss Yosemite, we get Yellowstone, the Rocky Mountains and the Smoky Mountains, Mt Rushmore and more!

    We get the oil producing states while you blue states can keep paying Iran for your oil. With you environmental whacko’s out of the way we will finally be able to “d

  5. I debated whether to approve the above two comments, since there is no contact information, not even email. And so the commenters are hiding behind anonymity — which is about par for the course where righteous, radical, conservative bigots are concerned.

    Since I support the ideal of free speech, I decided to let these comments stand. And, anyway, their style and content pretty much reflect the intelligence of the writers, and, therefore, the value of what they have to say.

  6. Dear Blue States:

    We received your letter.

    I’m sorry to say that about half your populations are going to relocate to the Red States. These include most CEO’s, CFO’s, entrepreneurs, venture capitalists, the high-tech industry and pretty much everyone in the top 5%. We’re taking all of their federal tax revenues with us.

    Since the large businesses and most successful small businesses are going to relocate, we are taking all their workers with us. This includes those who aspire to make their own way in life like Joe the Plumber, and the millions just like him.

    We’ll be advertising that any business left in Nuevo California who wants to pay lower business tax is welcome to immigrate to any of the Red States. Once everyone has moved over, we should have about 90% of the tax revenues.

    You get the natural resources in Old California, we get Alaska, Texas and the Gulf Coast. That gives us 3/4 of the oil production and reserves.

    You can keep Harvard and the rest of the Ivy League schools, but businesses in the Red States are going to recruit nearly all your graduates. The only charitable donations that will be tax deductible are donations made to Red State charities and schools. When we start new schools in the Red States we are going to recruit from your professors, but you can keep Ward Churchill, William Ayers, and Rashid Khalidi.

    We promise 90-97% of our citizens will have jobs. 85% already have health insurance provided to them and for the rest we are going to give a tax credit to help them buy health insurance in any of the Red States. We are going to keep taxes low for everyone, and give some additional tax credits to those who need it. We will call them Red States, not slave states, because we respect everyone in all the states who want to remain with us.

    We will continue to have great health care since most of the doctors are in that top 5%.

    We will finish the war in Iraq because even those of us who disagree with the war know we have an obligation not to abandon a country we fully destabilized by starting a war there. Our military will continue to be voluntary, with even children of our highest elected officials defending life around the globe. We will continue to focus on security within the Red States, since we do not want another 9/11. We should be fine, I think most of the military will be okay relocating to the Red States. We will be closely watching your unconditional discussions Iran.

    We won’t publicly claim that women with children should stay at home with the kids rather than run for public office, and then turn around and say we believe in equal rights for both genders. We will champion all women, regardless of political viewpoint.

    We won’t force our kids to share their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, sharing will be encouraged but remain voluntary. We won’t question the patriotism of those who don’t want to pay 50% of their income in tax (federal, payroll, state, local, sales, etc.). We d

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