laptop time

He made a digital slide show for her of the people who have fed into her life — from her grandparents riding in a haywagon in Poland to her great grandson toddling in Massachusetts. He thought it might help to ground her after several days of episodes that seem awfully like mini-strokes. She has been adamant about not going to the hospital — no tests, no prodding, no surgeries. Whatever will happen will happen.
So, we take turns staying with her as she goes through bouts of crying and panting and starting mumbled sentences that she never finishes. Sometimes she seems to rally, tells us she loves us, repeats “I’ve been a good mother, haven’t I?”
We tell her yes, she has, and we love her too.
“Where are you going?” she asks, afraid she will be abandoned. We’re not going anywhere, we say. We’re staying here with you.
Here I am, ensconed on a pull-out bed in the next room so that I can hear her if she wakes up and needs help. I balance my laptop on my lap while my cat warms my feet.
This will be my holiday — lying with my laptop and my cat, listening for noises from the next room.
It’s a little too much deja vu for us. Our Dad died on the day after Christmas 25 years ago.

6 thoughts on “laptop time

  1. I Am 3,000 Miles Away And Can Do Nothing

    “She’s totally incoherent, in pain, and unresponsive,” said the email, now two and a half hours old. “We’re taking her to her doctor’s and then to the hospital. He’ll get her admitted and it will be less traumatic than the emergency room.”

  2. … i wish i knew the right, the precise, the perfect word(s) that could contain the everything i wish i could say
    … and that i could whisper it like word medicine through space and time
    and that you could feel it
    as love

  3. Thank you, my friends, for thinking of me and commenting here. I got home from the hospital, where I left my brother to watch over our mom while I went home to shower and eat and sleep. They haven’t been able to diagnose the cause of her internal bleeding, despite that god-awful battery of tests they inflict to look for such. So I will be back there tomorrow for another 28 hour stint. She’s in ICU and will be there until they say she can go home.

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