I heard a fly buzz when I died……

Tomorrow I will be given a general anesthetic for my sinus surgery. I am remembering the first time I had a general anesthetic. It was when I was in labor with my daughter. I was young and totally clueless and in excruciating pain. She was born ass-first, but the idiots in the hospital never figured out that my yelling and complaining were really warranted until more than a dozen hours into it. Somewhere along the line they finally knocked me out, during which time my little girl finally managed to emerge.
The next thing I remember was hearing a loud buzzing sound and seeing a white light at the end of a long tunnel. Having majored in English in college, of course the first thing I thought of was Emily Dickenson’s poem that begins, I heard a bly buzz when I died. I was convinced that I was dead. My only thought was that I would never see my baby; I’d never even know if it was a boy or girl. I didn’t feel afraid or concerned — only a sense of terrible loss. Of course, as I slowly came out of the anesthetic, I realized that the buzz was the sound of the hospital staff’s voices and the the white light was the light on the ceiling. Nevertheless, ever since then I haven’t been afraid of dying. What I am afraid of, though, is unalleviated PAIN!
They tell me that I will have to live on ice pops, jello, and ginger ale for several days after the surgery. (Only cold stuff; no dairy.) And my nose will be sore and swollen and filled with packing and a splint, and I’ll have to breathe through my mouth. So, today I’m eating all the stuff I won’t be able to eat for a week — fresh strawberries and cream, a salami sandwich with basil and tomato on a hard roll, cheese cake…. And I’m going to sit outside in the sun and read while I still look presentable to the world. I’m stocked up on movies I taped off the tv, books, Fimo to work on a jewelry design I have in my head, and every kind of cold stuff I can imagine, including lots of watermelon.
So, remember to send me your good thoughts tomorrow.
And while I take tomorrow off from blogging, make sure you go and read Frank Paynter’s interview with Dorothea Salo. She’s half my age and twice as smart. I wonder if I had been born thirty years later than I was, if I might have been at least a little like she is. I like to think so.

5 thoughts on “I heard a fly buzz when I died……

  1. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts the next few days, Elaine! And will check in periodically to see if you’ve been able to tell us how things went.
    BTW…all this talk about anger and using it to find courage…well, I’m getting off my butt and re-enrolling in school. Come hell or high water, I’m going to have my AS in Psych by this time next year (using what credits I already have from university), then I’ll take the next step, make up my mind exactly WHAT I want my BA/BS in and do it. No more whining…no more bitching or asking why/when. I’m just going to do it!
    Thank you for helping me find courage when I need it most! You and all the Sistahbloggers are wonderful, articulate, and an all around good bunch of women! 😀

  2. Ah, yes. This is how the good old notion of “sisterhood” should work. We learn and get support from each other. Go for what you want. We’re all here cheering you on.

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