life is so confusing

I’m back from another day of helping my daughter clean out her Dad’s stuff. I focused on his clothes, setting aside some that I’ll send to b!X, since they probably will fit him. As it turns out, I took a pair of summer shorts and a pair of cargo pants that fit me because they both have elastic in the waistband. Men’s pants always have lots of pockets. I wish more women’s pants did.
It was so strange going through his things. An invasion of his privacy. Except it doesn’t matter any more. Except it sort of does.
His being gone forever still doesn’t seem real.
I took a Best of Moody Blues CD. A blue pottery bowl. A mortar and pestle. An orange windbreaker. I don’t have a windbreaker. I took the two new deliciously soft bed pillows that he never had a chance to use.
I took five trash bags of clothes, a big box of shoes, and several suits on hangars to the Salvation Army. And there are still clothes left in his closets.
His walls and shelves (except for the full book shelves) are covered with art and crafts. Beautiful stuff that none of us has room for. It will all have to be disposed of.
We keep reminding ourselves that these things are not him, they are not his legacy. They are the things he liked to look at, to think about, to help him remember. They served an important function in his life. He no longer needs them. His legacies are our memories and all that he accomplished through his creativity and passion.
We assess his belongings with great practicality. One or the other of us will make use of his recliner, his couch, the chest of drawers that was part of the first real bedroom set we bought when we were married. (When we divorced, he got the bed and the chest of drawers. I took the dresser with the mirror. The dresser fell apart two of my moves ago. The chest of drawers still looks brand new.)
We go on with our lives.

1 thought on “life is so confusing

  1. I am still mulling through the belongings of my daughter who was killed 2 1/2 years ago. I have done it in stages. Some things have been easier to let go of than others. It can be so emotional, yet my practical nature tells me I am not being practical about it. It is all part of the process of death, this putting them away in pieces.. may you & yours find peace in the doing.

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