November 13, 2003
It seems to be that, every so often, I find myself looking around at my life and realizing that I've arrived at somewhere I really don't want to be. I guess that I shouldn't be surprised, since, after all, I tend not to set goals or target destinations for myself. I've always just gone where life takes me, and I make the best of where I am until something prompts me to take stock and seek change.
Over the years, I've changed jobs, hobbies, social circles, and personal relationships. I've changed hair color, hair styles, and living arrangements. But there's always something that precipitates the change, some disturbance in the field, some lurch of lobe. And then my snake-mind begins the shedding of old skin.
It's happening now, prompted by a series of emails about blogging launched into my space by bloggers I know and respect. It's not what they said that's propelling me toward change. It's what I found myself saying. (*see below)
I don't fit here, where I am, right now, in the corner of the blogworld where I wound up, after sailing in on b!X’s coat tails. I’m not sure if blogging at all is a fit for me at this point.
Sure, I get a kick out of seeing that back on old posts of mine, like the 11:11 ones and the McAfee ones, people are still leaving comments. Sure, I still believe that blogs can become formidable forces in generating public awareness and participation in the process of a democratic society. Sure, I still believe that blogging is a tool for empowerment, both personal and political.
But it's not doing it for me these days, and when something stops doing it for me, I stop doing it.
And that's what I'm struggling with. The old "To blog or not to blog" dilemma. And if to blog, what to blog about. There are still issues that I care about and want to explore through writing about them. But do I have the time and energy to do the linking that is at the heart of weblogging? Without links, it's really not a a weblog. And then what's the point?
Or maybe I should just turn my blog into a marketing tool for the unusual shawls that I design and make and sell. At least I can see the point in spending time doing that.
A change of bloglife is coming. It’s been coming for a while. I just don’t know yet where it’s going.
*[this is what I finally emailed in response to the legitimate statements of other bloggers that makes me think something needs to change here for me]
Seems to me like what's being allowed to be created in the blogworld is the same kind of ego-based, competitive shit that causes so many of our problems in the larger world. Quantity rather than quality; mine is bigger/more than yours.
You're giving power over to the technorati 100 (whoever the hell they are; I don't give a rat's ass) by assuming that because they link to each other and they count links, somehow that's the way the process is supposed to be judged. You're letting them set the rules, the standards, and you believe that you have to follow or be left behind. Sheesh! I went through the same shit with the seventies' feminist movement. I never thought that the way to succeed was to do it the way men do it. In this case, the way the technorati do it. Their way isn't necessarily the only or the best way.
It's the same old story: Those who prance and preen and pat each other on the back and talk in their own secret language are considered by others to somehow be better, have more power or understanding. MY GOD! (or Goddess, as the case may be) they all are Naked Emperors! Look, look! They are no better than the rest of us, no more endowed with right to set the rules than
we are.
It's the old divide between those who stir up competition and those who encourage cooperation; between those who value technology for its own sake and those who value whatever technology can do to help us to strengthen the best of our human tendendies; between those who destroy and those who create; between those who wage war and those who strive to find common ground, common human values.
And, having just come back from my aunt's funeral, where a slew of my cousins and I sat around catching up on our lives, I was again confronted with the fact that most humans have no idea what weblogging is and have been brainwashed into believing that AOL is what the web is all about.
Technorati 100? Pshaw! In the grand scheme of things, they are nobodies. In the grand scheme of things, we webloggers are nobodies.
This is not the real world here. But it is a reflection of some of the world's best and worst human practices.
I'm still waiting for those who want to upend the machismo-dominated systems -- in which the rest of us are trying to flourish -- to figure out that they have to band together and create a better way. If each individual one of us decides that he/she will not link to the technorati, will not allow ourselves to be drawn into their closed world, what do you suppose would happen. What would happen if we threw open the blogdoors, let in the fresh air, and leave whatever competitive, egotistical, narrow-thinking naked emperors there are out there keep jerking in their circle, if that's what they want.
Man, I don't get it. Never did.
Oughta blog it. Maybe I will.
After I take care of mom.
And my apologies to the Technorati. Now I know who you are, and I understand why what you do is important to many bloggers. I just can't seem to care, given all of the other things that I think it's important to care about.
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Hands gloved, legs crossed at the knees on 14 Nov 2003
I appreciated the folks that commented on the Gender Ghetto and G Quotient postings. I am lucky to have thoughtful readers. I have to admit, though, that I am disappointed by the lack of feminine response to the writings. I received honest, interested,...
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Old Comments (8)
fp on 13 Nov 2003
The thing about feelings is that they pass. This tool, this resource, these conversations, this community - all of that has a tendency to churn up feelings that sometimes are wonderful and sometimes suck bigtime.
I've been experiencing a similar upwelling of discontent with my blogging. Partly I recognize an addictive pattern that is just plain unhealthy for me. Partly I'm disappointed that some really funny or good or pointed or true insights that I've shared have been like shouting down a well. I don't get as many links as I'd like. Drat. I don't get as many comments as I'd like. Darn. Nobody emails me to say they enjoyed a piece. Fooie. I dip into my background, my profession, my training and expound on some nuance of the systems world and I'm drowned out by neophytes and/or the drumbeat of the influenza (the influenza are a-listers and technorats).
Most of what we talk about in these places is too complex to be reduced to a three hundred word post or comment.
I feel a need for a change, and one thing I'm doing is shifting around my whole online presence... doing what we addicts call "a geographic." When I've arrived at my destination I'm sure I will have brought my problems with me! Even so, for me, this is an important thing to do right now because I'm spread out all over, paying too many providers for services only partially used... using a toolset that makes me uncomfortable... whatever.
But the delight of discovery on the Internet, particularly on the Web, and specifically in the ongoing interactions with those who maintain public writing spaces and often call themselves, ridiculously enough, "bloggers" - these things keep me engaged.
This week I've found a new direction. I've been reminded that the tech is just the tech and the politics of correctness are often as much impedimenta as moral guideposts. In the middle of this I stumbled across the Bloggers Parliament. Take a look and see if it speaks to you at all.
http://www.nataliedarbeloff.com/bloggersparliament.html
What I appreciate about this assemblage is that it's a whole new corner of the web that contains artistic, engaged people of the type I love, who are addressing matters that are important in an interesting way. Sort of a step up from the navel gazing of the recent exhausting exchange of P.S. mail.
Elaine of Kalilily on 13 Nov 2003
Sounds a lot like what Blog Tank had in mind.
I haven't figured out yet where I want to go. Maybe I'll do what Annie does and, rather than blog myself, get into the comment conversations on the blogs of others. I'm still introspecting, and I thank you for assuring me that I'm not alone in my dissatisfactions and disaffections. And you can rest assured that I continue to read what you post, even though I don't always leave a comment. (I just don't want to reveal how ignorant I am about some of the issues you bring up. Heh.)
fp on 13 Nov 2003
One of the challenges we all face is the social bandwidth issue. To the extent that I read {blogs 1,2,3... 20} I limit my opportunies to see what's shaking at {blogs 21, 22, 23... 40} as well as my time available for the peace march.
Sometimes we just have to adjourn to real time, sometimes we have to strike out to find new playmates, and sometimes we just need to change seats on the bus!
Natalie on 13 Nov 2003
Hi! Thank you for visiting Bloggers Parliament.
Come by again and maybe think about joining?
And coincidentally, I was thinking along similar lines to you, in my "everything must change" post (Nov.2 post in my blog, Blaugustine).
Are you really going to stop blogging? Once you are hooked (and I'm definitely hooked) it's hard to stop. But you're right, there's a lot of silly competitiveness in the blogosphere.
Very best wishes.
ARJ on 13 Nov 2003
I've been getting a general sense of malaise reading too many politically aimed blogs lately. I don't know why I click the links-- I must be a sucker for punishment, or I think it somehow keeps me in touch with current events (which it really doesn't). I gotta get back to seeking more constructive, creative posts. I wish those were the ones that consistently floated to the top of Blogdex instead of the bitchy ranty ones.
And in the middle of that I go back to my own blog, and I make it be what I feel is lacking. I write about the things that move and interest me, and that restores a balance. And then I click on some links and I find something really good and stirring and interesting and meaningful.
Blogs, in the software / technological sense, are just tools to help us acheive something. If they're not helping you build what you want, it's OK to change tools. Good luck with your wrestle to decide what you want to do with your blog. Either way, I hope you stay in touch via email and comments. It's been good getting to know you in the digital sense. It's been good reading your creative voice.
:-)
Mike Golby on 14 Nov 2003
I'm with you, Elaine; admire your courage in trying to describe the 'malaise' afflicting you (hell, how long is a piece of string?), and hope you get back into the swing of things sometime soon.
"I don't fit here, where I am, right now, in the corner of the blogworld where I wound up, after sailing in on b!X’s coat tails. I’m not sure if blogging at all is a fit for me at this point."
That's about all there is to it, beyond the myriad underlying nudges telling one it is time to move on and do 'more' or 'something else'. I don't think such lethargy or antipathy to blogging (at certain times) has anything to do with the categories in which we find ourselves writing (or the people with whom we blog). It has, as has been said, to do with ourselves.
I feel it would be counter-productive for me to blog anything meaningful right now, so I haven't written anything of a 'personal' nature for a good two or three months. It's okay. I spend more time with my family and enjoy life a whole lot more.
Many of the reasons I stopped have to do with being honest and upfront. Were I to speak my mind, I feel I would destroy (which I have done anyway) much of the remaining goodwill I have stored out there somewhere in the blogosphere.
At times, things are both better and worse than they seem. And that's a good thing. It's all about learning. If we’re to communicate, we all have to be able to hear each other. Sometimes that's difficult, and it needn't be anybody's fault.
Look at Andrea. Andrea is one of the messiest, most uncoordinated bloggers in the world. She's unpredictable, unreliable and all over the place.
I have an old copy of 'Rolling Stone' she sent me lying on a bookshelf at home. It doesn't matter where Andrea writes or does not write. She's always around and that's what counts to me. Communication takes different forms and Andrea remains as much an icon to me as Gary does a prospect of impish humour, good nature and devilish thought.
It's the same with you and many others, i.e. those like and unlike you. Blogging or not blogging, we seem to remain in this together. Jeneane, Halley, Frank, Niek, Chris and others are blogging up a storm right now. I enjoy sucking it in. There's enormous power out there. Sometimes we can give; sometimes we have to sit back and take.
Thanks to Shelley for setting off the chain of e-mails and to all those who contributed to the conversation. Though I did not answer (because I had no answers besides the observation that, yes, women do get the thin end of the wedge), such interactions are enormously valuable to all who participate, actively or passively.
One day, you'll be sitting there tapping the keys and you'll realise the best place for what you have is right here. Yeah, you'll always be a 'nice lady' in my book... and a hell of a blogger to boot. Posting or not...:)
Shelley on 14 Nov 2003
I understand where you're coming from Elaine. I don't think I suffer from a malaise myself, as much as I do a disappointment.
I had hoped to start a dialog with the two postings, but aside from you Maria and Netwoman, no women responded. Makes me think that perhaps the women in blogging aren't worth fighting for.
I also think you're right, too. Just do what feels good and screw the rest of the folks -- they'll have to fight their own battles.
And yes, you are a hell of a blogger.
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