March 09, 2003
My birthday is Tuesday. I’ll be 63.
I can still imagine what it was like to be 23 and 33 and 43 and 53. But, at none of those ages was I able to imagine what it was going to be like to be 63.
At every age I always felt as though I still had a lifetime ahead of me. I was never much for planning for that “ahead” time, and so each decade brought new and previously unimagined adventures. New jobs, new relationships, new hobbies, new talents, new friends – I loved the process of discovery, the beginnings of things. I’m also good at endings. It’s the middles I always seem have trouble with – those times of non-eventful stasis, the limbo that life sometimes becomes between beginnings and endings.
I want to feel that 63 is still another beginning, but being a caregiver is about as deep into life’s limbo as one can get.
So, what do I want for my birthday? I want to go and visit my daughter and son-in-law and 7 month old grandson, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do this week. My brother has agreed to come and stay with our mother so that I can drive out to Boston for a couple of nights’ stay in an environment where every day brings new beginnings. I want to get on the floor and giggle with my grandson, be there as every moment is a new adventure for him. I want to sit on the couch and giggle with my daughter – reminisce, fantasize, look into the future.
I’m bringing funky outfits and toys for the baby (including the one-of-a-kind “Hug Me Elmo” that I made for him), Portuguese Sweet Bread for my daughter, and a big pot of home made chicken vegetable soup so that they can freeze the leftovers. I’m bringing the butter-soft black leather bomber jacket that I bought on Carnaby Street in London to give to my daughter because I know that I’ll never be a size 10 again. And I’m bringing a depleted self that needs to be with those I love who are on the other side of 63 from the people who surround me every day.
By the time I get back from Boston, we might well be at war and all of the lifetime we have ahead of us might have changed completely. But, in the meanwhile, I will escape all of those things that weigh so heavy in my heart – I will arrive, and I will leave, and the time in between will be sweet.
+++++++
I had brunch today with the five women with whom I’ve been friends for more than a decade. While we get together once a month, usually at someone’s house, in March we always go out to eat to celebrate all of our birthdays – all of which fall between the end of February and the beginning of April. We are not alike in many ways, but there’s something that holds us together as a group. Each March we wonder if there is something significant about the fact that our birthdays fall so close together.
One of the women is retiring in a few weeks. A survivor of breast cancer, last week she was told that there are some nodules in one of her lungs, and, while the doctor doesn’t think they’re anything to worry about and plans to keep tabs on them, their presence was very upsetting to my friend. She is looking forward to retirement so that she can travel, and play golf, and make new friends, and have some adventures. She’s five years younger than I am and is free to live any way and where she chooses.
On Tuesday I’ll be 63.
I wonder what and where I'll be at 73.
I hope somewhere either beginning or ending an adventure.
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Old Comments (12)
myrln on 09 Mar 2003
Think of it this way:
Every inhale's a beginning.
Every exhale's an ending.
Holding your breath's the middle --
which doesn't last long anyway.
Only kids give it a red-faced,
parent-testing try now and then,
'til they learn it's better
to go back to a beginning
where all dreams are still possible.
Betsy Devine on 09 Mar 2003
Happy birthday, Elaine! That's a long drive--I hope you have some good tapes or CDs to listen to on the way. And of course I hope you come see me when you get here!
Betsy
Elaine on 09 Mar 2003
hmm. I find that too often I realize that I literally have been holding my breath -- or at least breathing so shallowly that I barely am. Breathing is all about beginnings and endings. Breathing dreams. Sounds good.
And Betsy, yes I had a book on CD and some good rockin' oldies to keep me awake. I will be in touch with you to see what we might be able to arrange.
Elayne Riggs on 10 Mar 2003
Happy birthday, Elaine-with-an-i! I hope I have my head together as much as you do when I'm 63. You're an inspiration!!
mare on 10 Mar 2003
I had a difficult time just helping out with my grandparents, so I can only imagine the trials you have with your mother. Enjoy the time away, cherish those "grandmother" moments you'll be sharing with Elmo and your grandson. You truly deserve it.
I have this image of diverse women, enjoying dinner and splurging on themselves rather than others. That's where I want to be when I grow up.
Happy Early Birthday and many more.
Gina Giuliano on 10 Mar 2003
Happy birthday Elaine! May you have many more, and have a wonderful time visiting your family.
It is hard to imagine the future, isn't it? I always think I my grandmother telling me when she was in her mid-70s and I was a teenager that inside she felt much the same as when she was twenty-something. I didn't understand at the time, but now I do.
When my grandfather was 63, my aunt was 11, my mother was 4 and my uncle was 3! Imagine that!
Ane on 10 Mar 2003
Happy birthday! I'll be 36 soon and yes, it's strange to watch those numbers go up. But it sure beats the alternative.
Richard on 11 Mar 2003
Wherever you are at 73, Elaine, I hope you are writing about it here.
Having just turned 36 myself, the thought of turning those numbers around in 33 years or so seems improbable at best. Of course, I might have said much the same twenty years ago and look at me now.
Safe journey to you and happy birthday my fellow Piscean.
Tom Shugart on 11 Mar 2003
Happy birthday, Elaine! I've just blogged you good wishes. Hope you didn't think that I'd forgotten you. I've been away from the computer for the past two days, so I missed your post. You're probably now at you daughter's having a grand old time. At least I hope so.
Ailina on 12 Mar 2003
Happy Belated Birthday to you, Elaine. You truly deserve the very best visit. I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful time, and return replenished and fulfilled. :) This post has been beautifully inspiring for me. Thank you....
ray on 12 Mar 2003
Happy happy birthday, Elaine...
and many many more!
JFKII on 22 Aug 2004
Well,you certainly have nothing to say, and you're an idiot. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're just a big waste? Of time, of skin, and now of bandwith?